Monday 11 December 2017

Best (and worst) mother-in-law jokes

I’m not saying the mother-in-law’s ugly but she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

AN anagram of mother-in-law is woman Hitler.

HOW many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?

One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.

WHAT’S the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?

The vulture waits until you’re dead before it eats your heart out.

DID you hear about the man who threw his mother-in-law into the lion’s den at the zoo?

He’s being sued by the RSPCA for cruelty to animals.

TWO cannibals were sitting down eating lunch.

One says to the other: “You know, I just can’t stand my mother-in-law.”

The other replies: “Just put her to the side and eat the mash.”

WHAT are the two worst things about your mother-in-law?

Her faces.

HOW many mothers-in-law does it take to ruin a marriage?

Just one…mine!

LAST week my wife and I went to buy a car and the salesman asked if I wanted an airbag. I said: “No thanks. I already have a mother-in-law.”

LAWYER to his client: “Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?”

Son-in-law: “Take no chances ? order all three.”

A BIG-GAME hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One night the couple woke to find the mother gone. In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.

The wife said: “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it.”

FIRST man: “My mother-in-law is an angel.” Second man: “You’re lucky fella, mine’s still alive.”

MY mother-in-law is a big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said he had enough room to get around her but he didn’t have enough petrol.

I ALWAYS know when it’s the mother-in-law knocking at the door because the mice start throwing themselves on the traps.

A MAN finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears. The genie tells the man he may have two wishes ? but whatever he gets, his mother-in-law will get double. The man thinks for a while and says: “First I’d like a million Pounds. Then beat me half to death.”

BEHIND every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

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