Saturday 24 February 2018

Which of these famous Coxes would be the best boat race cox?

By Catherine Wyatt

Some 66.66% of the men featured in this article are called Brian.

The Oxford vs Cambridge boat race is upon us, and we all know the best bit is hearing the coxes on TV scream at the crews.

We think it would be more fun all round if the cox was famous – and not just famous, but a famous Cox.

So which famous Cox would be the best cox?

Brian Cox

Nope, not your favourite physicist yet. This Brian Cox is an actor who has done a lot of Shakespeare. He is also playing the role of Winston Churchill in the upcoming film Churchill. That’s probably all you need to know. Sorry, Brian, but to be fair you have a pretty epic career already. You can have a couple of points for having a good voice, but you’re still in last place. Sorry Brian.


Sara Cox

The BBC radio DJ is used to speaking into a microphone, so she’s got the “shouting at the men so loudly the audience can hear at home” bit down. However, there is no pottery in the boats, so maybe not the best fit.


Carl Cox

Another DJ – rowing is all about the rhythm, and if there’s one thing Carl Cox has it’s rhythm. Techno beats can’t be that different from rowing strokes, right? However, we worry that he would be unreliable – we’d book him as our cox and then he wouldn’t show up because, you know, DJing in Ibiza is a hundred times better than rowing on the Thames. We worry he’s got too many cool festivals and sets for our lowly race.


Laverne Cox

As an activist for trans rights, Laverne Cox knows what it’s like to fight for the underdog. We also think she’d be great at motivating the crew. However, as undoubtedly woman of the moment we worry she might be too busy being awesome to actually train with the team.


Brian Cox

Is there a scientific algorithm which can maximise your chances of winning the boat race? If so, we reckon Brian could figure it out. He’s also an excellent communicator – if he can explain complex astronomy to millions of Brits sitting on their sofas, he can tell a few rowers what to do easy. He’s also so famous the other team would spend the race staring at him in wonder, guaranteeing him the win. However, the thing bringing Brian down is his soft (lovely, calming) voice. We can’t quite imagine him shouting at the rowers.


Courteney Cox

So yeah, it’s Courteney Cox but humour us here and let us explain why Monica would be the *best* cox. The single reason Monica would be epic is because of her competitiveness. There is literally no world in which Monica would lose at the boat race. She would find a way. Monica would bring a whole new level of “screaming at the rowers” to the widely known cox sport of “screaming at the rowers”.


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