Saturday 18 August 2018

People online think they know what they would do if they woke up as Kim Jong Un

How you would you resolve tensions and start a music career all without getting assassinated?

North Korea
North Korea

By Grace Rahman

So here’s a question. What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and you were Kim Jong Un?

Assuming you’re fluent in Korean, how would you navigate your country out of the international doghouse?

“Without getting assassinated by your commanders,” Reddit user KJ_RD asked, “how do you transition North Korea and its people from an Orwellian state of despair to a prosperous nation so you can then ride your fame to launch your career in music?”

The internet, as always, knew exactly what it would do to sort out the international crisis. And launch a young leader’s music career.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un delivers a statement in response to U.S. President Donald Trump's speech to the United Nations

A lot of people said they’d use China to ease tensions and disarm North Korea.

“Probably cut a deal whereby [North Korea] disarms, receives formal protection from China, in return for tech contracts and technology for mining the vast fortune of rare-earth minerals they are sitting on,” suggested Max_Fenig.

China is the country’s only real ally and trade partner, and even they are beginning to enforce UN sanctions against the country.

Kim Jong Un visits a fruit farm

User House_of_Suns said they would: “Open up the state to outside business, allowing for 51% control of any franchising by my inner circle.”

Then, once those generals were happy, “use the profit motive to reward my cabinet, and make everyone richer by creating a faux-democratic state like China.”

Others didn’t take the question so seriously.

“Visit the border and run across it. Get my own South Korean reality TV show where I live in a penthouse in Gangnam,” was user neubs’ contribution.

“The real question is,” said user Ganongeek, “if I’m in Kim-Jong’s body, is he in my body?”

Kim Jong Un visits a fruit farm in Kwail County, South Hwanghae Province, North Korea

One person had really thought it through.

“I pretend I am launching a missile at South Korea, but it’s a dud,” said user Atlas_Black.

“It lands in South Korea without exploding and has a note attached to it that reads, ‘I’m sorry. I’ve been held captive by my generals since my father died… I surrender. Come save me. I just want to dance.’

“Obviously, after that, I’m given an interview on a small time channel like E!, and when the cameras are rolling, I begin to sing,” they said, “But the truth is I’m auditioning. Auditioning for anyone out there that is listening and can make me a star.”

After an initial collaboration with Katy Perry, the user then said they would “Kardashian my way to fame”.

Another had an entire eight-step plan.

Firstly assassinating “a sizeable majority of all my high-level commanders”, before donating all military resources to China.

“Plow former grotesquely large military budget into agriculture, information technology, and renewable energy,” continued user descuidadojose, and “blame father for everything and say I only waited this long to be sure the transition would go smoothly.”

Step six would be to “Release ‘Gangnam Style’ again, but starring me and set in Pyongyang” while step seven was simply multiple dollar signs.

Kim Jong Un

The final step would be to “use still operational secret police to disappear anyone who talks s*** about me. Codename operation water under the bridge.”

But some wondered if the original poster was just trying to crowd source his way out of impending nuclear disaster.

“Kim, is that you?” asked one user, while another asked if it was the almighty leader himself who had “just turned a corner in therapy or something”.

Press Association

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