Despite Gwyneth’s valiant attempts to rebrand the split as a positive thing, the end result is the same
You have to hand it to Gwyneth Paltrow – she really knows how to make a statement. Not for her the crudeness of a ‘divorce’ or a ‘separation’. Oh pur-lease!
Not when she and the puy lentil-loving Chris Martin operate on a far higher plane than the rest of us troglodytes.
‘Conscious Uncoupling’ is how they are describing their decision to end their 10-year marriage. And even though it’s a joint statement, you know it was the Oscar-winning actress that came up with the hippy-dippy phrase, which reminds me of someone trying to prise two mating worms apart.
Divorce is for less cerebral celebrities - tacky reality stars like Kim Kardashian, who’s had two already and is only 33. The D-word is for z-list celebs who are not capable of intellectualising their breakdowns and “growing from them.”
But despite Gwyneth’s valiant attempts to rebrand the split as some positive thing, a wonderful new chapter in her explorative-filled life journey, the end result is the same. And that’s massive heart-break, the threat of acrimony and two young children dividing their weekends between two parents. It’s going to be agony, no matter how much deep meditation or mindfulness you engage in.
Yet who can say they were really surprised by the news though and not a little gleeful? It shows that even beautiful, loaded celebrities are just like the rest of us and sometimes just can’t resolve their differences.
I met Chris Martin once backstage at the X Factor and he seemed like a fairly inoffensive guy, a bit more manly than his drippy songs suggested.
She, on the other hand, has becoming increasingly irritating and is only proving the theory that all actresses are as mad as a box of cats.
And for the past number of years, the writing was on the wall - or in this case, Gwyneth’s Goop website.
We have all watched as Gwyneth transformed herself from the inoffensive blonde beauty who was famously dumped by Brad Pitt to some, shudder, lifestyle guru.
As she boasted of the benefits of her clean-leaving, fun-snubbing lifestyle, she blithely peppered her lifestyle site with various must-have essentials like a €700 Valentino iPad case.
She also used her controversial website to advertise for a private tutor for her children. This Mary-Poppins character would have to work weekends whilst also teaching them Ancient Greek, Japanese, philosophy and chess lessons. I’d say there was a lengthy queue for that job.
However, as far back as 2011, she made some troubling comments about adultery in relationships, stating: “Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs.”
More recently, she was forced to deny claims she had a dalliance with supermodel Elle Macpherson's billionaire husband Jeff Soffer.
But if something seems too good to be true, it usually is – especially in showbiz circles.
And that’s what sickens me about Gwynny’s ‘conscious uncoupling’ statement. She had the opportunity to really reach out to her many fans and show that yes, underneath all the glitz, glamour and Quinao-endorsing, she’s fallible just like the rest of us. She is human after all, under that fantastic body and impossibly gorgeous features.
Yet she refused to let the perfect mask slip and reveal the hurt underneath, opting instead to insist that in some ways, “we are closer than we have ever been.”
Yes of course – and that’s why you’re separating. Go sell crazy someplace else Gwyneth, we ain’t buying.