Wednesday 14 November 2018

i-Spy: No porn please, we're Irish

Okay Irish people - are we a load of feckin' perverts obsessed with nothing more than sex, or are we still stuck back in the dark ages when we only had sex with lights off and you never, ever enjoyed it? A state we now call 'marriage', apparently.

Either way, it seems that our collective confusion about sex still extends to our modern censors.

That can be the only conclusion after an Irish guy tried to register the 'Porn.ie' domain name but was refused by the authorities, who claim that website addresses "must not be offensive or contrary to public policy or generally accepted principles of morality".

But, sadly, they are missing the point. Which is a simple one. Can anyone believe that we have reached 2006 and it's only now that some Irish bloke reckons that he can register the name 'porn.ie'. Dear Lord, we really are a simple people.

And if they're that concerned about public morality, how come I was able to log onto Fiannfail.ie yesterday?

Truly, I feel corrupted.

That's it - cancel Christmas! Brace yourself boys and girls, but it seems that a twosome so gruesome that even Podge and Rodge would tremble with fear is planning an assault on our senses.

According to a top-secret document obtained by ISpy - okay, it was a press release - Brian McFadden and social diarist Jason O'Callaghan are releasing a Christmas song.

According to the information: "Forget Bing Crosby and David Bowie for Christmas songs now that Brian McFadden is aiming for the much-coveted Christmas No! spot with a duet with Rat Pack crooner Jason O'Callaghan. The duo have recorded the famous Nat King Cole classic The Christmas Song... Dublin radio station Q102 has guaranteed the album close to ?20,000 worth of publicity.

"Last night Brian and O'Callaghan refused to comment on the album which is set for release on November 14."

Run! Run for the hills, before it's too late!

Still, there's another good reason not to listen to the awful Q102, so it's not all bad.

Ah, doshe krazhy Dutch Anything we can do, the Dutch simply do it better. The second best country in Europe - after Italy, obviously - just seems to have an absolutely admirable lack of any shame whatsoever - which is ironic, given that it is also one of the most conservative societies in Europe.

The latest example of red- hot Dutch filth comes in the shape of Den Haag goalkeeper Stefan Postma who is the latest celebrity to be exposed by a sex tape after his irate girlfriend posted it on youtube.com.

Except being Dutch, the tape is rather more interesting than any we have seen by the likes of John Leslie, Paris Hilton or Colin Farrell. Oh yes.

This being a tape involving a Dutchman, Postma is seen in, shall we say, a reversal of the normal positions we would expect, as his then girlfriend employs certain, erm, toys.

Of course, this column would never encourage people to watch such stuff. So, if you're on yuotube.com, make sure you don't type in Stefan Postma. That would be terrible. And if that tape is taken down, I also have another web address which you don 't want to see.

I can think of worse things in the shower Can we do bloody nothing any more?

The Australian energy board have issued a list of ways to save electricity, and the latest thing people dahn ahndar are not meant to do is a basic one - singing in the shower.

"Singing in the shower greatly increases the amount of electricity people use," say the new guidelines, "as does shaving and other activities."

Sadly, these mysterious "other activities" aren't explained any further.

The sound of no hands clapping? The rather good British comedian Shazia Mirza has just bagged herself an interesting gig - she's being sent to India by the British Government to make jokes about the veil, in an effort to prove to Indians that Britain is a free and tolerant society.

Mirza, who also happens to be Muslim, is best remembered by some comedy fans for her post 9/11 gag: "My name's Shazia Mirza - at least, that's what it says on my pilot's licence."

But, while anyone who has seen her will know that she's provocative and funny, there's one potential problem with her proposed Indian material - she has been warned not to upset Indian Muslims.

Well, the very sight of a woman on stage making jokes and taking the piss will already offend half of them, so expect it to be a short set.

Come on, Andrea, lighten up a little

Irish blogs tend to be quite entertaining and the reatively new blogorrah.com is definitely at the top of the pile.

They finally made their bones this week when model Andrea Roche took exception to their gentle prodding and did what Irish models seem to do best - she got in touch to complain about their treatment of her.

It seems the only thing more devoid of humour than an Irish model is a joke by David McSavage and Roche herself has a habit of taking rather extreme exception to criticism.

Still, to the lads on blogorrah, a quick word of advice: when you have had, as I recently experienced, another Irish model phoning you and trying to use a non-existent family angle to guilt you into not slagging her off any more, you know you've got under her skin.

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