Being asked to be the best-man at a wedding is a huge honour.
However, it does come with certain duties- the most notable, and for many the most terrifying part, is the speech. Even confident public speakers can get a little stumped for something to say in front of a hundred or so wedding guests.
After months of planning each and every detail, the one element of their day your bride and groom have no control over is what is said once that microphone begins to do the rounds.
So here are a couple of essential do’s and don’ts you might want to consider when drafting up that verbal masterpiece.
Do: Speak from the heart. A little sincerity goes a long way and every woman in the room will suddenly fall in love with you.
Don’t: Use this as your moment to exact revenge for every time your mate has bailed on you over the last few years in favour of a night in with his beloved. Winking and/or using the phrase ‘whahey!’ or anything similar, while dropping hints about the stag ‘madness’ is a definite no no.
Do: Introduce a little humour. By the time the microphone makes its way back to you, the crowd will most likely have shed a few tears, so everyone will appreciate some light relief.
Don’t: Try too hard. Know your limits - if you are not a naturally funny person, there is no point in suddenly trying to summon your inner Tommy Tiernan. Tumbleweeds.
Do: Keep it snappy. It’s 2015, thanks to social media, the majority of the crowd - whether they like it or not- already know probably as much as you do about ‘Gerry’s crazy j1 days’- it’s all there in an album on his Facebook page.
Don’t: Drone on for forty minutes about how bad at football the groom is just so your friends on the table at the back can win their bet on how long your speech will take.
Do: Compliment the bride. Let’s face it even if you can’t stand the woman, she’s going to look better on her wedding day than she ever has before and that effort alone warrants some sort of recognition.
Don’t: Bring up the happy couples’ exes. You may think it would be hilarious to see them squirm, but this is guaranteed to bomb on the day. And if said exes are in the room, then you can also start congratulating yourself on being the cause of your friends’ first ever domestic as a married man.
Do: Loosen up. Relax. There is nothing more uncomfortable than watching someone shake with terror as they deliver a best-man speech with their eyes fixed on the table in front of them. Imagine the crowd naked if it helps, just for god sake don’t pass out.
Don’t: Get drunk before you have delivered your speech. Having one or two drinks to calm the nerves is understandable, five Jaeger-bombs? Not so much....
I am getting married. There I have said it. I am in love. I am in a long-term, fun and committed relationship. I've even got a nice little rock to prove it to the world now; so why does the mere mention of the word 'wedding' still fill me with dread?