People are sick of experts, but not me: I love an expert. Without experts, where would celebrity culture be?
There's only so far we can go with our own theories, ultimately we need the experts to flesh out the stories, to fill in the blanks to make a whole news story - hand writing experts, royal protocol experts, body language experts.
Last week, Harry and Meghan took part in a conference call about racism with several young leaders from the Commonwealth as part of their roles as president and vice-president of the queen's Commonwealth Trust, which nobody has ever heard of.
Body language experts (my favourite tabloid content creators) said that Harry looked like an 'awkward' 'captive' taken 'hostage' by his controlling wife; "while she speaks Harry's eye movements suggest he has a lot of thoughts running through his head, making him appear distracted", said the body language expert, "his eyes go to the right and then at one point he looks down at the floor, rather than looking visually focused and 'on-message'. Looking down is usually a cut-off gesture that suggests a lack of confidence or a desire to hide momentarily".
This lack of confidence in the message (racism is bad and Britain did some) was attributed to Prince Harry's discomfort at stabbing his grandmother the queen in the back. "When you look across the Commonwealth, there is no way that we can move forward unless we acknowledge the past," said Harry, which is a fairly uncontroversial thing to say about something that literally came out of a violent empire.
But, as far as the British press were concerned, Harry might as well have placed a flaming turd on the doorstep of Windsor Castle. Just ask the body language expert: Harry knew what he was doing.
But then, if you were a rich cis white man born into the most unimaginable privilege, with relatives famously complicit in various oppressions and systemic racism, you would probably feel a bit awkward in a call with several young black people from Commonwealth countries with things to say about racism too.
You would probably let your wife, who's black and knows what she's talking about, take the lead on this one. You might look sheepish - after all, this is the first time you've been on the back foot, and (now, especially) you know you were a bit clueless in the past. It's a little embarrassing.
The British press were more hung up on semantics, and the differences between the Commonwealth, empire and colonialism; failing to understand that the fact that no one knows the difference is kind of the whole point.
Acknowledging your country's blemished history isn't treacherous, or a red flag for a hostage situation. It's inevitable for progress. That's the entire storyline of Frozen 2; if toddlers can understand it, so can Piers Morgan.
The fact that Britain had an empire isn't news, but god bless the body language experts for giving us a story.
And last week, to reward themselves for all the unlearning of racist history they've been doing lately, millennials sat down to enjoy their very own Frozen - Hamilton.
Disney+ dropped the musical on July 4, a confusing day for the millennials: damning Trump's speech about defending the legacy of the founding fathers and the birth of America at the same time as raving about the exact same story except with dancing and black people.
Hamilton is a personality trait for many millennials, even outside the US. The musical by noted Gen-X nerd and enthusiastic weirdo Lin-Manuel Miranda represents a kind of millennial wish fulfilment: a disadvantaged person who no one understands, finally finding their people and starting a revolution - writing 52 papers that stand the test of time. Millennials will settle for one tweet.
But now we're realising that we're not the 'young, scrappy and hungry' ones anymore, we'll never be wunderkinds: we're hurtling towards middle age and Gen Z think we're politically ineffectual and pathetic. Watching Hamilton repeatedly won't solve anything, but don't tell us millennials that.
Talk about 'cancel culture' is reaching fever-pitch after last week's open letter in Harper's Bazaar signed by JK Rowling and others. The letter wasn't about normal people losing their jobs, family, friends and life as the result of one bad tweet from five years ago - it was influential people worried about having their influence questioned.
Like Momo, cancel culture would undoubtedly be a bad thing - if it was actually real. The conversation about cancel culture is about celebrities, like JK Rowling, being criticised. Because JK Rowling has not been cancelled - she has been defended in the pages of nearly every single national newspaper in the western world and her views are the mainstream, dominant narrative. She's not a dissident, she's bathed in the warm glow of the status quo. She's still a billionaire, still writing books, with legions of supporters. She has not been censored, but has been given every platform imaginable.
JK Rowling had fans because they liked what she said and wrote, now some of them don't like what she's saying and writing so they aren't fans anymore. That's not cancel culture, that's capitalism. That's rich writers angry at the world and changing norms. These people are not underdogs.
The Times in the UK tried to look at the 'victims' of cancel culture, sombrely listing the 'cancelled' and in doing so proving that cancel culture is not a thing. There was Woody Allen, still a successful millionaire who did say this year that it might be time he stopped making movies - because cinemas are dying, the pandemic has wrecked his film plans this summer and he's old; Louis CK, who relaunched his comedy career to a standing ovation after a short time out for relentless and undenied sexual misconduct; Scarlett Johansson, who was briefly criticised a couple of years ago in a way that had no negative impact on her career. She was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar this year. Timothee Chalamet was on the list too, which was confusing as he's literally the most bankable male star in Hollywood at the moment. If cancel culture existed, Mel Gibson and Mark Wahlberg would not still be making moves.
Cancel culture is a boomer-rumour. Cancel culture is realising that people can see what you say on the internet. Cancel culture is the realisation that actions have consequences (like some people not liking you) and your jokes aren't funny anymore. Cancel culture is celebrities thinking they are entitled to fame and universal admiration.
Cancel culture isn't lives being ruined and careers devastated: because that just isn't happening. It's another moral panic based on a fear of losing control.