Wednesday 15 August 2018

Kirsty Blake Knox: Beware the Social Media Smug Marrieds

Kirsty Blake Knox

Virtual (and real) displays of affection: Ryan and Blake with their kids. #Knock-on effect
Virtual (and real) displays of affection: Ryan and Blake with their kids. #Knock-on effect
Janelle Monae
After party: Harry with ex Cressida Bonas

If ever there was a modern-day celebrity trope that has grown very tired, very fast it's reports of beautiful A-list couples 'trolling' each other.

And by 'trolling' I don't mean the sort of salacious public spat that would actually be interesting to watch unfold.

No, I'm talking about the 'Psych! We're Really Madly In Love and Cute AF!' trolling.

It's #RelationshipGoals signalling, and the internet loves it. Case in point - Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively.

There have literally been hundreds of hysterically written articles recounting their faux fights.

This news cycle of Blake and Ryan's VDAs (Virtual Displays of Affection) are not only exhausting, they have a dangerous knock-on effect. It encourages other couples - who maybe aren't as funny, attractive, or rich - to follow suit. Don't be those people.

Obviously proclaiming your love/new relationship status isn't confined to social media or a modern-day phenomenon.

It's been going on for donkey's years but these days, most of us will need to decide what sort of social media couple we are going to be.

There are several categories, and none are without their pitfalls. So go forth, and choose wisely.

The #RelationshipGoals Signaller

Today's version of what Helen Fielding dubbed The Smug Marrieds in the nineties. Likes using the phrase 'That is SO us'.

Blake and Ryan are their idols. Seriously considered jumping on the #aftersexselfie bandwagon. Hopefully refrained.

Favourite hashtag: #BoyDoneGood/#GirlDoneGood

The Ernest Declarer of Love

I'm a firm believer that heartfelt public declarations of love should be reserved exclusively for weddings and funerals. Think before you post - what if you break up? You'll probably regret calling them 'My Beloved, My Everything' on Instagram.

Favourite hashtag: #Blessed

The Self-Deprecating Declarer of Love

"I'm a loser and they are incredible - remind me how I pulled this off??" Will 100pc post a novelty proposal video in the hope it will go viral. It won't. Cries in darkened rooms.

Favourite hashtag: prefers the cry-laughing emoji.

The Omnipresent But Barely Visible Other Half. AKA the Instagram Husband/ Wife

Like a vapour lingering in the background. You never can tell how much is love, and how much is a handy business transaction.

Favourite hashtag: lets their Significant Other decide.

The Completely Silent Couple

Much like Communism this is brilliant in theory, but hard to pull off.

It's an unsustainable level of commitment.

You're not in the MI5, somewhere along the way you will probably cave and post a sentimental selfie. And hate yourself as a consequence.

Favourite hashtag: they don't hashtag.

The Over-Achieving Alpha Couple

Do marathons together, go on amazing holidays, have great jobs and even better teeth. Mute these people.

Favourite hashtag: #Us #StrongerTogether #BestDay #SponsoredContent

The Couple Who Use Baby Talk Publicly

I once read an article that correctly described baby talk as "sexual napalm". Only the worst people use it.

Need proof? Great British Bake Off's Paul Hollywood is a fan. His girlfriend Summer Monteys-Fullam calls him 'Cake Cake'.

Enough.

Favourite hashtag: too saccharine to repeat.

 

TOPS

Janelle Monae

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Janelle Monae
 

For wearing these trousers in the video for 'Pynk'.

The Dead Zoo

Getting a fancy new make over and a subterranean tunnel.

FLOPS

Aperol Spritz

The summer drink has been replaced by the negroni.

Mayochup

New condiment which mixes mayo and ketchup. Pass.

Time to revel in Royal Wedding 2.0 mania

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After party: Harry with ex Cressida Bonas
 

There are some topics so intriguing no amount of trivial information can sate our disgusting rapacious appetite.

And the Royal Wedding 2.0 is a case in point. Meghan and Harry must be aware of the interest in their Big Day because there has been a constant drip feed of tantalising morsels of gossip.

All of which are slightly surprising but not startlingly controversial. Enough to pique interest but not outrage.

This all comes as much needed light relief. It's Saturday morning, suspend reality and read the most frivolous facts about the wedding.

• The spectre of King Henry VIII and his estranged and decapitated wife Anne Boleyn could haunt proceedings - according to the UK Daily Star's royal correspondent. Apparently, Henry VIII has a terrible temper and mediums are concerned he may make a scene at St George's Chapel.

• There is an official fragrance. A bottle costs €5k and evokes "the warmth of a Mediterranean sea breeze, sunshine and shimmering water".

• This week, Meghan has been credited with single-handedly bringing back bootcut jeans. So we can thank her for that.

• Limited-edition royal wedding themed condoms (called The Crown Jewels - obviously) are now on sale. The container plays 'God Save the Queen'/'Star-Spangled Banner' when opened.

• There has been a 1,438pc increase in interest in properties in Slough, AirBnB says. Up until now Slough was best known for being the dreary setting of The Office. The glamour.

• There's word Prince Harry is inviting three of his ex-girlfriends to the afters. Throw in Prosecco and it becomes a tinderbox. • The following songs are rumoured to be on the playlist; Montell Jordan - 'This is How we Do It'; Spice Girls - '2 Become 1' ; and Journey's 'Don't Stop Believin'.

• After hearing Prince Charles brings his own toilet seat wherever he travels (a rumour he denies btw), Meghan's dad was snapped buying a new loo this week. The press suggested he's trying to keep up with the Joneses aka the Saxe-Coburg-Gothas.

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