Monday 28 May 2018

What women want sexually still a mystery

A search online leads John Masterson into a world of porn, where the one thing missing was any romance

John Masterson

I always enjoy Stephen Fry. He is intelligent and witty, and has a wonderful voice. He does remind me of an updated Oscar Wilde, and I suspect he trades on the obvious parallels.

He is lucky that he is a man, because if he were a woman he would need to be better looking to get as much TV time.

Being an unambiguously heterosexual male, I know that making any comment about the likes and dislikes of women is a minefield into which one must not tread.

Stephen does not know as much about women as I do, because he ventured into this minefield last week, pontificating on the most sensitive of areas. He told us all that women do not enjoy sex -- they really only put up with it because they have to in order for men to bother having relationships with them.

Women, he noted, are not inclined to frequent parks looking for anonymous sex in the manner of those who do really enjoy sex.

Having stepped on several mines, bits of Stephen are now being splattered all over the media. Again, being a heterosexual man, I expected more from Stephen.

People of my persuasion are all jealous of gay men, because beautiful women seem to enjoy their company more than they enjoy ours. We suspect they tell their innermost secrets to their gay friends, and that many of those secrets are about us, and told at our expense.

We are terrified that they say we are useless in bed and they have to fake it most of the time to hoots of laughter. So, we are left with the nagging fear that Stephen was basing his opinion on the most reliable of sources -- women.

Now, I do not frequent places looking for anonymous sex, so maybe I do not enjoy sex either. Well I do. I enjoy good sex and get bored by boring sex.

Being male, I take the blame for the latter sort. I suspect most women are the same. They may not enjoy sex, because the person they are with is just not doing it very well.

I did some research on the internet to find what it is women want in their sexual partners. I was rapidly led to a pornography site and I am one of those men who do not bother with porn much.

Most of the women looked as if they liked the camera more than the man, and half the men looked like they would rather be on the golf course.

But I was drawn to a video titled: "Do not even think of making love [I am paraphrasing] to a woman without reading this." I was in like Flynn, only to discover that I would have to part with money to learn how to do this.

Perhaps this is a weakness in me, or arrogance, but I did not feel spending this money was going to enhance my life, or the life of anyone lucky enough to sample my learning. I declined before my card did.

I don't suppose men and women are identical in their attitude to sex. Neither do I suppose all men or all women are the same. I know of a woman who keeps a list of the countries in which she has bedded men. And I know of men who, I suspect, have the sex drive of a sloth.

What women want will remain a mystery. Far too many of them seem to go for men who are good for nothing louts.

Despite being a mere man, I do know a few things about women. Most of them like to be romanced for a while. They like to feel special. They like to feel valued. They like to feel safe and comfortable.

They do not like to feel like a piece of meat that will be discussed in the locker room.

Funny. A lot of men are like that too.

Sunday Independent

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