Single stigma: Why do we still believe single people aren’t as happy as couples?
Why is there a social expectation that we have only truly succeeded in life when paired up? Experts share their view on singletons, couples and happiness
I noticed it after three people had the same reaction. A happy sigh, almost of relief. A thrilled clasping of the hands and a gleeful utterance, “that’s fantastic”, or something along those lines.
The reaction was because I had just told them that, several years after my marriage ended, I had met someone new. They were delighted for me.
The following might sound churlish, but what was clear from the reactions was a feeling that now I was partnered up again, things were OK and they had harboured the belief that, previously, things were not quite right.
I’m lucky enough to own my own home, I have the world’s greatest kid, a job I adore, and lots of lovely family and friends. I’m really lucky.
I had written a column which became my first book, How To Fall Apart, about putting your life back together after your marriage ended.
I thought it was clear I had sufficiently done that, and yet, it felt that from the reactions of some, it was only having a boyfriend that really got me over the line.
Before I go any further, I should clarify — my boyfriend is one of my all-time favourite people and obviously a massive addition to my life and happiness. But I found myself irritated on behalf of my formerly single self that my life before was deemed somehow lesser for being without a romantic partner.
“I would say there is probably a hierarchy as a result of the conditioning we’ve had through fairy tales, media and so on,” relationship coach Annie Lavin says when asked if she agrees there is a sense in society that a person is happier if in a relationship.
“When I’m talking about a hierarchy, it’s a man-made one that people seem to assume exists — if you’re achieving in life, it’s seen that the presence of a relationship is part of that formula of living a successful life.”
It can feel as if there is a blanket assumption that being in a relationship is a better baseline start than being single. This assumption ignores the realities of toxic relationships, for one thing.
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“If we value partnership above all else, then we can in turn betray ourselves,” says Lavin, whose clientele are mostly single women between the ages of 35-55.
Liadán Hynes was irritated by people’s reactions to her not being single anymore. Photo: Kip Carroll
Lisa Regan, a 37-year-old communications consultant based in Galway, says: “It is deep rooted and it is a societal thing. You are completely an outlier when you are a single woman in your 30s. People just fundamentally believe you are not OK and you are constantly lonely and possibly at home, crying. Whereas the reality of my situation is I have total agency and autonomy over my life.”
She describes, with some frustration, the constant feedback on her relationship status. “How am I single, why am I single? ‘You’re very pretty, it’s so strange that you’re single.’ Every time I go anywhere: ‘Did you meet anyone?’”
Obviously, there are systemic reasons which can make life in a couple easier. Buying a house, paying for a holiday, simply affording the running of a home — all of these things are easier if a second person is involved. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. It’s a more emotional reaction, that a life without a romantic attachment cannot afford the person as much happiness as one with it.
“I think, in a way, it’s natural for us to see being single as being somehow inferior because unfortunately, we live in a society where, historically and biologically, it seems to make sense to be in a couple and procreate,” says journalist and host of sex and relationships podcast, Private Education, Aisling Keenan
“But in 2023, realistically, it shouldn’t be the case that single people are looked down upon as unfulfilled or ‘less than’. If interviewing single people and couples for the podcast has taught me anything, it’s that happiness comes from the individual rather than anything achieved in tandem with another — granted, romantic relationships can be incredible, but I’ve seen as many unhappy coupled-up people as I have unhappy single people.”
Keenan points out that we are taught to see a romantic relationship as the ultimate goal from an early age.
“Even those who have been widowed or divorced or separated later in life are plagued with a level of pressure to ‘find someone’. The stigma surrounding being single comes from the assumption everyone must want a certain type of life — that doesn’t leave much room for nuance for those who might prefer a different path.”
She points out that there is a difference between being lonely and being alone, something anyone who has lived through the dying days of a marriage can attest to.
“Some of the loneliest people I’ve interviewed are in relationships where they feel isolated, like they’re not being heard or seen by their partner, which is arguably harder to deal with than just being alone,” she says.
Dev Skehan is a 25-year-old content creator from Cork, now living in Dublin.
“I started becoming more of a player than a watcher on TikTok in late 2021,” she says. “I’d gone through a break-up and found it really embarrassing and nerve-wracking to go and bring myself on a date, or spend time alone with myself. I was trying to challenge myself to get back to that and thought, ‘OK, if you make a video, you’re committing to the video, and you’re held accountable to do it’.”
She made a video of herself going for coffee on her own. “It went semi-viral. So many other people saying, ‘I feel the exact same way’.”
Dev Skehan says there's a stigma around being single. Photo: Dev Skehan/Instagram
Dev, who runs a series on TikTok called Dating In Dublin, describes the stigma she experiences around being single.
“It’s always when you go back home or there’s an occasion and the first question is: ‘Any boyfriends now in Dublin?’ You get this constant reminder from people. I want to show that you can have just as much love for your friends, for your family and for yourself.”
For human beings, connection is vital, Annie Lavin says. “It’s part of our hardwiring.”
But we can have as meaningful a connection with people other than a boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse.
“Again, I think it comes down to our value system,” Lavin adds. “How do you value friendship? I think if we can reflect individually on who a partner is to us, on who a family member, a friend, a colleague is to us, it might be the case that we actually have a value system where certain people rank higher than others. Ask yourself, how is that serving you?”
My second book, Courting: Tractor Dates, Macra Babies And Swiping Right In Rural Ireland, focused on dating in rural Ireland.
My research found that people were so wedded to the place they had come from or moved to, they accepted that staying there might undermine the possibility of meeting someone. And they were willing to run that risk because the life they had created for themselves, and the community they were a part of, was so sustaining.
They were happy out. Something other than a relationship had provided them with a good life.
