Friday 23 August 2019

Our worst-case scenarios

1 Mr Over-Confident

In a world of winners and losers, this guy knows exactly which team he's playing for. And he's looking for one lucky lady to be his sidekick.

Preppy of scarf, flawless of hair and vaguely American of accent, he cuts a dash through life like Drico sprinting for the try line. Can't wait to have kids, mostly because it brings closer the day he can whip his 10-year-old son at badminton. Yes, that is his Audi double-parked out front.

2 Sir Nerd-O-Lot

If only romance was more like World of Warcraft. A couple of well placed fire-ball spells and boom! The spoils of victory would be his.

Unfortunately, in the cruel universe beyond his bedroom door, an encyclopaedic knowledge of Warhammer 40,000 and flawless Halo 2 stats don't carry the weight they ought to. He would have showered today only he was up all night downloading x-rated Manga. Excuse him while he takes this call. Mother wants to know what he wants for dinner.

3 Captain Sleazeball

He isn't just mentally undressing you -- he's giving you a mental massage in an imaginary hot-tub.

The kind of guy for whom a successful first date means overnighting at yours, he uses dating agencies as a sort of relationship iTunes, helping himself to little snippets of what he fancies without having to commit to anything of substance.

Sooo, you've met for a chaste coffee -- does that mean a snog in the cubicle might be out of the question? He's brought contraceptives!

4 Is he a serial killer?

He wears his polo shirt buttoned all the way up. For the last five minutes, he's fixed you with an unblinking stare.

His complexion is smooth, in a manner that suggests he's spent the morning sitting in a giant jar of formaldehyde. A younger Steve Buscemi would play him in a movie.

5 Johnny 'Good Clean Fun'

Who wears a North Face hoodie and shiny Asics to a first date? The sort of guy who wants to whisk you away from this dreary cocktail lounge and bring you hill-walking, baby. Followed by mountain biking and perhaps some kite-surfing.

You've never kite surfed? Wow -- it was all he did the year he backpacked around South East Asia. Another drink? Only if it's something lo-carb. Do they serve wheat-grass smoothies here?

- EP

Irish Independent

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