I'm so lonely with my selfish husband now our kids have left
QI have been married for 32 years, and had two wonderful boys. My relationship with my husband has been a difficult one throughout, as he is a very selfish person.
He was a hard worker, but also played hard -- he went out until the small hours whenever it suited him, going to discos and staying out with his mates from work. He was the life and soul of the party. When I spoke to him about this, his answer was that he never agreed to stay with me every night.
He never had any interest in our children or their education. So I took on the responsibility of rearing the kids and the running of the household, and also worked outside the home to keep bills paid and to keep my home to a good standard.
My sons went on to college and, all the while, they lived at home. When they finished college they went abroad and have not come home.
Since they left home, I have had a most lonely time. My husband retired from his job with a good lump sum and pension (none of which he shared with me).
He goes on trips with his friends and finds somewhere to go most weekends when I am at home. Last weekend, he left on Thursday and returned on Tuesday, and I had no contact from him. I feel it is so unfair and unjust, and certainly not normal living.
We have been through counselling, but nothing changed. I think at this stage I need to take a stand and see a solicitor.
I have discussed this with him and asked him to leave, but he will not. He says I can go if I want to, but I refuse to leave my home which I have worked for all my life and made the home that it is without any help from him.
I would appreciate your advice.
aWhen the children leave home and the couple get back to being alone together, this is often a time when whatever cracks exist in the relationship broaden into gaping holes. You were busy all those years, working inside and outside the home, but now you have a lot of time to reflect on how things have been.
What you describe is certainly not what you deserve. I'm sorry that counselling didn't work out for you. For counselling to be effective, both people have to want things to change and be prepared to change themselves and their behaviour in the process, and it sounds like your husband still isn't prepared to change.
However, you most definitely need things to change in your life and I think now is the time for you to consult with a solicitor and get their advice as to what your entitlements are should you separate or divorce. On no account should you leave the family home until you have had legal advice.
As your husband doesn't take your wishes or needs into account while he is living the life of a single man, I hope that you are not tending to any of his needs either. Why should you cook, clean or do his laundry for him -- I presume you are not having a sexual life -- when he totally ignores you?
Have your sons any idea of how bad things are at home for you? If they don't, they should know -- you gave them a lot of love and care as you were, in effect, a single parent, and now is the time when they should be able to show their love and support for you. But they won't be able to do this unless you ask for it.
You will also need to warn them that a separation is a possibility. So take the first step by making an appointment with a solicitor -- your husband certainly isn't going to do that and knowing that you have done so will perhaps give him the shock that he deserves.
Sunday Indo Living