Saturday 24 March 2018

Fortune-teller said that I wouldn't wed my fiance

QI'M 29 years old and my wedding is in less than six months. I've been with my boyfriend for seven years and living with him for five. I know I love him, but apart from that, he also treats me well, all my friends and family like him, he has a great job, will be a great father and would never hurt me. He's not perfect, of course, but he's as good as they get.

My problem is that I'm starting to have serious doubts about whether I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. I don't know if these doubts are trying to tell me something, or if it's just cold feet. I can't tell the difference, and I feel like I'm going mad. I think about nothing else all day everyday and I'm starting to dread my wedding. I can't talk to anyone about it, because I can't bring myself to.

I have doubts -- I don't feel attracted to him like I used to, he seems to rub me up the wrong way a lot. I daydream about having affairs in years to come, or think about being married to someone else. There is no one else in particular, but sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have ended up with someone different. My boyfriend is big into watching sports and I have no interest at all. He's shy and doesn't like to socialise, and I do. Sometimes I get jealous of my friends' relationships with their boyfriends. Everyone tells me how great my boyfriend is, but right now I don't seem to see it anymore.

Will I end up making a huge mistake in six months, or are these normal thoughts to have before getting married?

I know that you won't be able to give me a definite answer one way or another, but I wish someone could just glance into the future for me.

I went to a fortune-teller a couple of years ago and she said that I would not stay with my current partner. Now that we're getting married and I'm having these doubts, I keep thinking that maybe I shouldn't be with him and that I stayed with him all these years for the wrong reasons. What if he's not the one? I just want to run away.

AI had a very wise school teacher who told us that we should never contemplate marrying anybody until we had spent all four seasons with them, and in that way we would know them pretty well. You have certainly done that.

Things used to be more clearly defined years ago as couples met, fell in love, got engaged and then married, which was followed by starting a family.

Nowadays, many couples live together and so have a chance to see what cohabiting is like before making the commitment of marriage. However, having done this, you are now unsure about making that commitment. One of the reasons for this may be that as you have been with him since you were 22, you may not have had many other boyfriends, and so you are wondering what it might have been like with somebody else.

I think it's quite normal not to feel desire for your partner all the time, particularly as you have been lovers for years. It is somewhat unrealistic to expect sex always to be passionate and full of thrills when you both know each other inside out, so don't worry if this is happening.

However, it concerns me that you can't bring yourself to talk to anybody about your doubts. You are allowing all these disturbing thoughts to swirl around in your head and that is not good for you mentally or physically. It really does help to talk things through, and you will have to take a close friend into your confidence and voice your fears. You will feel so much better after you do this.

You may also be getting worried about organising a wedding, as most of the planning is usually done by the bride and you may feel daunted by what is ahead, so think carefully if this is adding to your stress. Life is about choices, and we then live with the consequences of those choices. I don't believe that there is only one person who has the ability to make you happy, so if you were to finish with your boyfriend and end up with somebody else that might work out very well.

But you are the one who will have to decide whether to stay or go, which is what I mean about choice. We never get everything we are looking for in one person, but I'm sure you have realised that by now.

Ultimately, you need to ask yourself what life would be like without your best friend. Because that is what your boyfriend should be, and if he is not then you have to ask yourself why.

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