Tuesday 16 July 2019

Dear Mary: We haven't had sex for months

Picture posed
Picture posed

I have a multitude of issues with my boyfriend and am feeling very stuck and unsure about what to do. My boyfriend is 33, I'm 32. At the beginning of our relationship we had enough sex to satiate me. Now it's been three months and there is nothing. Not only is there no sex but there isn't even any hugs, kisses or touching. Nothing. It's beyond painful.

When I brought it up he said it's because he is fat and he doesn't feel like it. If that's the case wouldn't he try to lose weight in order to change that? But he's not, which makes me think he's either getting it elsewhere or something is wrong with me and I am repulsive to him. I have cried consistently about this situation and try to talk to him, with him just getting defensive.

There have been times in the past where he has cheated on me, and I'm beyond haunted by that and it has scarred me beyond belief.

I don't know what to do any more. We live together yet I barely see him. It really seems like he wants nothing to do with me, and I would like to talk to him, but every time I do he gets mad and defensive and it turns into fights. So I have had to just sit with all my negative hurt and deal with it.

It's gut-wrenchingly painful - please help!

Mary replies: I have to ask what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? You have a boyfriend who cheated on you in the past, who refuses to discuss your misgivings and who gets mad and fights with you whenever you try to tell him you are unhappy.

It may be that he is getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere, it may be that he is suffering with erectile dysfunction for some reason and doesn't want to admit that to you, or it may be that he wants out of the relationship and is trying to force you to bring things to a head.

But it may be something totally different like serious health or financial worries that he does not want to share with you. But whatever it is you deserve the courtesy of an explanation as to why he is treating you so badly.

There is nothing to be gained in you just putting up with all the negative feelings as you are doing right now. You are lonely, unhappy and sexually frustrated.

It is make or break time with this relationship so tell your boyfriend that you want to have a talk with him about the future of the relationship and settle on a day and time for that conversation. If he refuses then you have no option but to tell him that things are totally unacceptable to you as they now stand and you want out. If he does agree to a discussion then tell him how unhappy you are, insist on getting some answers without there being an argument, and take it from there.

Counselling may well be the way forward. But you will have to be prepared to be looking at ending the relationship - anything is preferable to what you have right now.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

Sunday Independent

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