Thursday 19 April 2018

Dear Mary: We enjoyed intense affair but now he's ignoring me

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Mary O'Connor

I feel foolish writing this but I need to talk to someone.

I'm in my early forties, married with teenage children.

I haven't had an intimate relationship with my husband for the last seven years.

Two years ago I met a guy through an event we were organising together at work.

The event was a huge success and even when it was over we kept in touch. Then one night he turned up and the rest is history.

It was very intense for the first few months, then it cooled off for a while and even though we didn't see each other very often, we kept in touch by phone and text.

I saw him for a night in early January and left his house thinking everything was OK.

I haven't heard from him since.

He won't answer my calls, texts or emails.

I know I should forget about him at this stage but I miss him so much. I'm very down and cry a lot.

I don't understand how you can just turn your back on someone and walk away and say nothing.

It keeps eating away at me all the time.

Every few days I send a message hoping he will finally reply to me.

How do I put this behind me and move on?

Mary replies:

You have given me no details about your marriage so I cannot make any observations about that and am restricting myself entirely to your affair.

Let us look at this from your ex-lover's point of view.

He meets somebody that he finds very attractive, she has been starved of a sexual life for a long time, and when he gets together with her it is wonderful.

A passionate affair ensues and eventually finishes, with one encore.

The woman however is married with children, so it has to be fairly secret.

Apart from the sex and the excitement, there is no long-term possibility of a relationship - at least not as things stand.

So the only realistic thing to do is to cut the ties and try to move on.

This is quite probably how he has dealt with things and it is very understandable.

He no doubt finds it easier to get on with his life by not being in contact with you. So there is no point in sending texts to him.

Because apart from the thrill that you may get from actually sending them, you are getting nothing but heartache.

No contact whatsoever will make it easier for you both to get on with your lives.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting or email her at or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

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