Friday 22 March 2019

Dear Mary: The whole family hates my daughter

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Mary O’Conor

I've just discovered that my daughter - who recently got married and has young children - has been having an affair for the last short while.

The whole family is disgusted with her. She says that the marriage began to break down as soon as it started and that she is seeing someone about why and how this happened.

She hates it when I say she is having an affair.

She has been with her partner for over 10 years. Her husband told me she wanted a threesome with her friend and her husband the night after her marriage, and he refused.

She also drinks too much.

I just hate her so much for what she is doing to her children and husband.

Mary replies:  I can understand how upset you must be to see your daughter get into such a mess.

She was with her husband for a long time before they married and so he must know her pretty well.

You and the rest of the family have already told your daughter how upset you all are because of her affair, and I don't think there is anything more you can do because it really is between herself and her husband.

He will have to decide what he is going to do about it and you cannot interfere between husband and wife.

I don't know how bad her drinking is but if you suspect she has a problem, then this has to be addressed as there are children involved.

Al Anon is there to help family and friends of problem drinkers, whether or not the drinker recognises that a problem exists. In the first instance you should call 01-8732699 to get more information and perhaps attend a meeting of Al Anon.

These meetings are held all over the country and it would benefit you enormously to meet other people who are similarly affected by a loved one's addiction.

You hate your daughter for what she is doing to her family but you are also concerned for what she is doing to herself.

It really is true that we worry about our children all through our lives no matter what age they are.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting or email her at or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

Sunday Independent

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