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Dear Mary: My wife has been texting other men. Should I believe her when she says they’re just friends?

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'I wonder if there is more to it and if I should be worried. What if I hadn’t caught her texting that guy?'

'I wonder if there is more to it and if I should be worried. What if I hadn’t caught her texting that guy?'

'I wonder if there is more to it and if I should be worried. What if I hadn’t caught her texting that guy?'

My wife started a new job over a year ago. During that time she has started to get overly close to her boss, constantly texting him in the evenings and at weekends. She said to me they just got on well, nothing more. Recently her boss was away on holidays and my wife was texting him — but his wife saw the texts and hit the roof and made him cease communication outside of work.

I also found my wife messaging another guy, but again she said he was just a friend from years ago. My head is all over the place because of this. I wonder if there is more to it and if I should be worried. What if I hadn’t caught her texting that guy and what if her boss’s wife hadn’t stopped what was going on between them?

After being together 15 years and married for seven, she’s never done anything like this before and it has really hurt me. I feel betrayed and used and I am struggling to comprehend why she went behind my back like this.

She says it’s all over now and that she won’t be texting other men and I believe her, but it still really hurts. What should I do?

Mary replies: All you can do is to believe her when she says that she has stopped texting other men. But you will have to discover why she was doing it. Is she bored and lacking excitement in her life? Only she can tell you that, so you will have to ask her.

Some people see nothing at all wrong with texting a member of the opposite sex who isn’t their partner. Others, however, see it as being emotionally unfaithful, and that is probably what you believe.

Your wife must have become very close to her boss as she was texting him at weekends. And it cannot have been all one-way, either — presumably he responded to her texts and enjoyed the exchanges. The fact that his wife was very upset makes me think that it wasn’t the first time she found him paying attention to another woman. So it is better for all concerned that she put a stop to the texting.

However, your wife and her boss must see a lot of each other at work so it would be good for you to discuss this with her.

No doubt you feel a bit uneasy, or even jealous of all the time they spend together, so letting her know how you are actually feeling, without blaming her, would help you.

You were already unhappy about her texting her boss continuously, so discovering that she was also texting another man must have been the last straw. Was he an old flame or simply an old friend? Something must have happened for her to reestablish communication with him. How did she have his number? Is he single or in a relationship?

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I am sorry to be raising even more questions in your already crowded mind. But in order for you to let go of all this and move on, you have to be reassured that it was as innocent as she maintains it was, so she will have to put your mind at rest about this.

We live in a very ‘instant’ age, thanks mainly to advancing technology. However, the only thing that is really going to help you is time, as there is no instant remedy for rebuilding trust and, indeed, for getting over hurt. So some day in the future you will find that you are not hurting as badly as you are now and you will have to be patient.

In the meantime, getting answers to your questions regarding your wife’s old friend, and telling her if you have concerns about the relationship with her boss will certainly help. Then let it go and get on with living the best life that you can with her.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot St, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.


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