Dear Mary: My kids’ mum is an alcoholic and I am struggling to cope

"I have full custody of the children, as she has had a drinking problem for the last two to three years and has assaulted me."

Mary O'Conor

March 12 2023 02:30 AM

Where do I begin? I am currently living with my long-term partner. We have children together, who live with us. I have full custody of the children, as she has had a drinking problem for the last two to three years and has assaulted me. She spends the majority of her time away from the house; for instance, she has been away for 12 of the last 14 days.

We had split up for a year at the onset of Covid-19 but I came back for the kids’ safety. She developed this drinking problem when I was gone, as she got into an abusive relationship with a man who has more than one barring order from women. Initially for a few months after I came back, before Tusla was involved, there was non-stop drinking in the house, with several men at all times and me trying to raise the kids, despite the torment. Tusla deemed the kids safe with me around.

She drives me around the bend, with the same drawn-out excuses every time she refuses to come home. She says I don’t understand addiction, and she is too scared to come home. Also she makes out to everyone that she cannot be around me, and says it is no wonder she drinks when I am taking over her house. She twists things around to make it look like I am the cause of her problem. There is never any sense or reason to her behaviour.

I am unemployed and am finding it really difficult to find a job. We live in a council house and it is impossible to find somewhere else. The council will not rehouse us, as we are ‘adequately housed’ and there is no budging on the issue. I am finding the situation really stressful and I feel like it’s much too much to bear. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have kids, I don’t know what I’d do. It’s a horrible situation and I don’t know what to do about it.

Mary replies: I agree with you that your situation is really difficult. You have been dealt a very heavy hand, and my main concern is how this is all affecting you. You say that were it not for the children you are not sure what you would do, and that sounds like a red flag to me. I realise that the happiness of the children is paramount, and in any court situation the well-being of the children is put above everything else.

Tusla workers said that the children are safe in the house while you are around. You are, in effect, running the household, and in order to do so you must be mentally well and able for the task. Have you anything in place that helps you cope with things, such as a family member or friend with whom you can talk? We usually get support from our partner when things are difficult, but you don’t have that, so you have to get it some other way.

It is also imperative that you get some time away from the house, and the children, because otherwise it will all become too much for you. Even getting out for a walk or a run to clear your head, while a friend watches the children, would be beneficial.

You should also get in touch with Al-Anon, which is a group for family and friends of alcoholics. They hold meetings and it would be very beneficial for you to attend one, if only to hear other people’s stories and how they are coping — al-anonuk.org.uk has information for both the UK and Ireland, and under the ‘Find A Meeting’ tab, you will be able to find one close to you. There is also a Freephone Helpline, tel: (01) 873-2699, should you prefer to speak with someone directly and anonymously.

Your children must be quite confused by their mother’s frequent long absences. If you haven’t already done so, it would be a good idea to have a chat with their teachers — I’m assuming by now they are going to school — to explain the situation, so that they can be aware of the difficulties the children are having at home.

Without knowing what type of work you do, it is difficult to advise, but consider even part-time employment for the moment, which should be more readily available.

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I admire your dedication to your children and I’m sure that in years to come they will appreciate it. However, be sure that you find some back up for yourself to ensure your mental health. If things feel bleak, remember that the Samaritans are always there to listen at 116 123, or volunteers at Pieta House, pieta.ie, are also available and their helpline is, very aptly, 1800 247 247.