Tuesday 14 August 2018

Dear Mary: My husband's flirting is really hurting me but he says I'm just being paranoid

Photo posed
Photo posed

Mary O’Conor

I have been married for 12 years and in the last two years I am having real difficulty with a situation regarding my husband. He is involved with a sports group and one particular female has shown a keen interest in him. She is single and younger than me.

I really didn't think anything of it at first but then I saw that she was sending him private messages on Facebook. I confronted my husband straight away but he just laughed it off and said I was being paranoid.

I have lost a lot of weight because I am worrying so much and not really sleeping either. It's really messing with my head.

I do not like the type of person I am turning into because of it. I was even thinking of marriage counselling but there is no way he would come with me.

We barely spend any time together any more so I organised a nice romantic "date" night in the hope of spending some quality time together but he spent most of the night on his phone. I made a real effort to look nice for him but don't know why I bothered because he didn't even notice.

What is bothering me the most is that the sports club has a reputation as certain other members have had extramarital activities.

I went to one of the sports events to see how my husband and this woman behaved around each other. I couldn't get over it, she was blatantly flirting with him. My husband stood beside her the whole time. I came home early and cried I was so gutted by it all.

I have made my feelings very clear to my husband on more than one occasion. I'm fed up with being put last. I am his wife after all. I only wish he'd realise how much this is hurting me.

Mary replies:  Your husband comes across as very uncaring if he is prepared to stand by and watch you lose weight, not sleeping well and being generally upset.

And his behaviour on your date night is unforgivable. Other women would not have put up with it and would have either walked out or smashed his phone into pieces.

Perhaps you are not standing up for yourself enough. I'm not saying that he is having an affair but he is very obviously thoroughly enjoying the attention of the younger woman.

However, two years is an awfully long time for you to be unhappy so why not tell him that you are going to confront this young woman and tell her you do not appreciate all the attention she is giving to your husband?

If he is not prepared to put you first as you rightly feel you should be, then follow through with your plan, go to the next sports event and remind her that you are married to him and would appreciate it if she left him alone.

Some people will say that you are exaggerating and that he is doing nothing wrong, and this may well be true, but he is not doing enough to reassure you if this is the case.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

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