Dear Mary: My husband wants me to experiment with cuckolding, but I am afraid it’ll ruin my marriage if I agree

"He has asked me to start cuckolding with him. He has become obsessed."

Mary O'Conor

February 19 2023 02:30 AM

I am in a bit of a dilemma. I am in my mid 50s and a grandmother. During lockdown, my husband and I spent a lot more time together than we had done before as, pre pandemic, we would have been busy with our hobbies — golf and bowling.

We started watching movies and then we started watching porn, which I must say I enjoyed. It actually perked up our sex life. Then my husband got very interested in cuckolding videos.

He has asked me to start cuckolding with him. He has become obsessed. I don’t mind doing it, but I am afraid it might ruin my marriage. To be totally honest, I have had several sexual encounters through my marriage which were just sex only with no emotions involved.

I do love my husband very much and I hope to be with him until the end. I want to make him happy, but I just don’t know what to do. I am relying on your advice as I can’t talk to anyone else about this matter.

Mary replies: For those who don’t know what it is, cuckolding is when someone gets turned on by their partner having sex with someone else. Historically, a cuckold was a man who was cheated on by his wife without his knowledge.

In modern-day parlance, however, the cuckold is fully aware and heartily approves of his partner’s affairs and is there to observe it happen. The cuck is the person who wants their partner to have sex with another person; the cuckoldress is the person having the sex, and the third party is known as the bull.

These desires are not specific to gender or sexuality, but in your case it seems that your husband wants to witness you having sex with other men.

We have to assume that anybody taking part in cuckolding does it with full agreement and without wanting to cause hurt or pain to their partner. However, you have a problem and although you don’t specifically say what it is, I surmise that it is because you are afraid that you will get to like it too much.

You have had sexual encounters already during your marriage which did not involve any emotional component, but I sense that your husband does not know anything about this. So, perhaps you feel there is a danger that, for some reason, if he is watching you that you will become emotionally involved with the ‘bull’.

Or is it that you fear you will start to detach emotionally from your husband and only see him as a sexual object, or perhaps worry that you may ultimately blame him for putting you in the position of being the cuckoldress?

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I don’t know what is going on in your head. I only know that you are worried that all of this may ultimately damage your marriage, a marriage in which you are totally invested, and that you hope to end your days together.

So, regardless of your history, I urge you to be very careful with what you agree to do. Because for anything to succeed with a couple when a third party is involved with them, each person has to be fully comfortable with what is proposed, otherwise it is doomed to failure.

You should explain to your husband that while you thoroughly enjoyed watching the porn videos, and you felt that it added considerably to the enjoyment of your sex lives, you are very uneasy by what he is suggesting and you cannot, therefore, agree to including someone else in your sex lives.

Your husband has all this as a fantasy right now. What happens very often for people is that once they play out their fantasy, it isn’t as good as they expected. It is no longer a fantasy, and they wish they hadn’t turned their fantasy into a reality. This is something that you may want to warn him about, but please don’t take the next step with him unless you are totally convinced that it is right for you, and somehow I doubt that it is.