Wednesday 22 November 2017

Dear Mary: My husband ended his affair, but he still goes away with the woman

Q: MY husband had an affair three years ago and he is still friends with her. I found out that he went away with her recently.

He thinks this is acceptable but I don't agree that it is. What do you think I should do? Should I end our marriage?

I would appreciate any advice that you could give as I'm really desperate and don't know where to turn.

A: I don't think that you should end your marriage without making sure that you do everything possible to save it. Your husband treated you badly initially by having the affair, no matter what reasons he had for doing it. Most people insist that all ties are cut once an affair is discovered, and I wonder why you allowed him to continue to have a friendship with her. No doubt he apologised for having the affair when you found out about it, but he hasn't shown any remorse by his subsequent behaviour.

What reason did he give for going away with her? Whatever the reason was, when people who have been lovers travel away together there is every chance that they will continue to be lovers, and this is totally unacceptable from your point of view. It really is expecting too much of you to think that you would go along with this, and you have every right to protest in the strongest possible terms.

Did you have counselling when the affair came to light? If so, then you need to go back to the counsellor with the latest revelations and see if anything can be salvaged.

If you haven't been to a counsellor, then you should suggest to your husband that you go together. If he refuses, then the outlook looks pretty bleak for your marriage. If he agrees to go, then you have the opportunity to have a look at things with the help of an impartial third party.

Even if counselling doesn't keep the marriage together, you will at least have a better understanding as to why things didn't work out.



Submit your letters to Mary anonymously at dearmary.ie.

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