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Dear Mary: My husband and I had a threesome with my friend and now I’m in love with him and having an affair

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"I know I can’t have both and it will end badly. What should I do?"

"I know I can’t have both and it will end badly. What should I do?"

Mary O'Connor. Picture By David Conachy.

Mary O'Connor. Picture By David Conachy.

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"I know I can’t have both and it will end badly. What should I do?"

I am married with children. One drunken night, my husband and I decided to have a threesome with my friend (male). It was amazing and it brought my husband and I closer together. As time went on, I found myself continuing things with my friend without my husband and I have fallen in love with my friend. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to leave my husband . I do want to keep the affair going. I know I can’t have both and it will end badly. What should I do?

Mary replies: We are all, at some level, emotionally invested with our friends, and the closer they are to us, the more emotionally involved we are. You have a friend, let’s call him Michael, with whom you were emotionally invested but not sexually. But you, with your husband’s agreement, changed the relationship with Michael and it became sexual. So now you are both emotionally and sexually involved with him and that is the root of the difficulty.

When people have threesomes, of whatever variety, two of them are usually a couple, and the third is brought on board for an extra thrill and the sexual experience of something different. But even if the couple know the third party previously, things are usually kept at a very sexual level. This is not the case with you.

Let us, for a moment, look at the role of your husband in all of this. I can’t agree that the threesome brought you and your husband closer, because as things now stand, your marriage is in danger, whether or not you are found out. On that fateful drunken night, he agreed to the threesome, so there were no secrets and all was well. But subsequently, a very big secret developed, from which he is excluded, so all the rules have changed.

Consider how you would feel if it had been a female friend of his that had been involved, instead of Michael, and you discovered that he and his friend had embarked on the affair? It may well be that if your husband finds out what is going on, he will end the marriage anyway.

You don’t want to stop having the affair with Michael, and you don’t want to leave your husband. I cannot think of one single instance of somebody ‘having their cake and eating it too’, so you are going to have to make a decision. If you don’t want to leave the marriage, then the best thing for you to do would be to end things with Michael. The longer you continue your affair, the more difficult it will be to end it.

As you are emotionally involved, you will even go through a grieving process when you stop meeting. Naturally, the longer it goes on, the harder the grieving process will be, which, in turn, will be difficult for you to hide from your husband.

You don’t say if Michael has a partner. If he doesn’t, he hasn’t got anything to lose, but looking longer-term, he may well decide that he wants to have someone permanently in his life and then he will end things with you. If he has a partner, they may discover what is going on and give him an ultimatum, so that would also mean hurt for you.

If your marriage were to break up because of this affair, you will also have to bear in mind what you would tell your children. No matter what their ages now, they would eventually ask questions, and you have to be sure that you won’t mind telling them what happened to cause their parents to break up. It is never easy for the children when this happens, and the effects on them can be very long-term.

I cannot tell you what to do, nor would any counsellor. As always, you have choices. Think very carefully, but it seems to me that you do not have the option of keeping both men in your life.

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You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visitingdearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot St, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.


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