Style Sex & Relationships

Tuesday 21 May 2019

Dear Mary: My girlfriend doesn't want children - am I wasting my future by staying with her?

File photo
File photo

Mary O’Conor

I'm a 22-year-old lesbian in a very committed relationship. I love having sex with my girlfriend and I love her in general.

All my family and friends adore her, and that's a very important thing to me.

The problem is that being a lesbian came as a bit of a shock to me. I had my wedding planned by the time I was eight and baby names picked out. Which would be fine, except my girlfriend doesn't want to get married, ever, and having kids on top of that seems a bit uncertain.

To add to my dilemma, I've been fantasising about sex with male TV characters that I think I fancy. I've never ever shown any sign of being attracted to men before and not only am I worried I'm being unfaithful, to an extent I'm worried that I'm losing attraction to my girlfriend.

I'm worried that staying with her will end up being the wrong decision too, if it means sacrificing marriage and kids.

Mary replies: You are questioning a lot of things right now which is a very good thing. Twenty-two is very young to be making decisions that will affect the rest of your life.

Leave aside the fact that it is a lesbian relationship, because that shouldn't make any difference to you, the question is, do you wish to spend the rest of your life with somebody who has different goals to yours?

If getting married and having children - a very natural desire - is very important to you, then you will have to ask yourself if you would ultimately be happy having neither of those things.

Some people are very definitely gay from as far back as they can remember, others are heterosexual. Then there are another group who go backwards and forward on the continuum and are in some cases bisexual.

At the moment you are purely fantasising as TV characters are unattainable and therefore safe.

If you start to fancy men that you meet in reality, then it is time to start asking yourself questions about who you really are, so keep an open mind on your voyage of discovery.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting or email her at or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

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