Saturday 18 January 2020

Dear Mary: My friend says she's a lesbian

Stock picture
Stock picture

Mary O’Conor

I'm trying to help my friend figure herself out. Just a few months ago she came out as bisexual.

She never told me why she thinks she is, she just said she likes girls now.

A little bit after that she said she's a lesbian and ever since then I have been very confused.

I asked her why she thinks she's a lesbian and she said she went to a party and they were playing spin the bottle and she had to kiss a girl, and that when she did she found that she liked it.

I know that just because you kiss someone doesn't necessarily make you a lesbian or whatever else, but since she says she's attracted to them maybe she is.

The problem is I think she is bisexual.

Before her saying she was lesbian we would always talk about men and how good looking they are and who we would want to be with, and I could tell she was really into them.

But all of a sudden she totally removed them and called herself a lesbian.

I still think she's confused because she is a teenager and a lot of teens go through this but she says she's certain.

This bothers me because I don't want her to be going down the wrong path confused about herself and later finding it out.

I just want to understand because right now her explanation is "I like girls" and that's it.

Mary replies: You are a very good friend to be worrying so much about your girlfriend and not wanting her to make a wrong choice.

But in this case you will have to take her at her word.

Some people know from very early on that they are heterosexual, some people know from an early age that they are homosexual while others vary along the continuum before finally deciding about their sexuality.

Everybody is different and we are all free to make choices.

I think it is great that your friend has felt comfortable enough to confide in you what her feelings are.

Who knows, she may have suspected for quite some time that she was gay and that kiss at the party confirmed it.

Or it may be a whole new world opening up to her, one that she previously hadn't even thought about.

But whether she is lesbian, bisexual or heterosexual what you have to do is to allow her to live her own life.

And also to be there for her whenever she wants to confide in you.

We all need our friends - sometimes they are almost as important as family - and she will appreciate you being there no matter what happens.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting or email her at or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

Sunday Indo Living

Editors Choice

Also in this section