Dear Mary: My boyfriend of three years has never invited me to meet his parents and laughs it off when I ask

"Every time I have brought up the discussion with my boyfriend about meeting his parents, he doesn’t seem to take it seriously and usually laughs it off."

Mary O'Conor

July 10 2022 02:30 AM

I have been in a serious relationship with an Irish guy for around three years now. I am from southern Asia and I’m working in Ireland. My boyfriend has never asked me to meet his parents. I have seen all my Irish friends going to meet their partner’s family, usually one or two years into the relationship.

Every time I have brought up the discussion with my boyfriend about meeting his parents, he doesn’t seem to take it seriously and usually laughs it off.

I also once asked him about the future of our relationship and he said we might have a future. He also said he doesn’t know if he’ll marry me or not. He says he loves me and he’s quite serious about me as well. But any time I ask him anything about our future, his answer is, “I don’t know.”

At this point, I’m not sure what to think of all this. I wanted to ask if this is common in Irish men? Or if this is just a way for my boyfriend to keep our relationship stagnant?

Mary replies: I’m sure you are feeling confused at all the mixed messages you are getting from your boyfriend. He tells you he loves you, but then he doesn’t seem to know if you have a future together, although you’ve been together now for three years, which is quite a long time.

To answer your question, it is not common for Irish men to keep their girlfriends from meeting their parents. Meeting the family usually happens over time in quite a natural way. There is often a family function, such as a birthday party or a wedding, where significant others are invited. This is, of course, making a statement to the family, but it is less formal than having the girlfriend meet the parents directly in their home. But your boyfriend hasn’t given you either option.

Some years ago, I had a letter from a man who was so ashamed of his parents and their way of life, that he ended three different relationships rather than introduce the girls to them. So, there is always the possibility that it is not you, but them, he is worried about.

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And a friend of mine told me of being brought to meet her boyfriend’s parents for coffee at 10am, which she thought was a little strange. It was only later that he revealed to her that his mother was an alcoholic, and the only time he could be sure that she would be sober was early in the morning.

However, you deserve some answers by now, and it is time that you became a bit more forceful in getting those answers. The main question should be what his long-term plans are for you.

If he still prevaricates, and you are fed up with this state of affairs, then tell him that you will have to end the relationship. You don’t want to spend any more time with someone who will not commit, and the longer you are with him, the less chance there is of meeting somebody new.

It may be that your family is expecting you to get married, having dated for so long, and in some cultures, it is very important that the daughters get married. But even if this is not the case with you, I really think you deserve to move forward in your relationship, especially if you are keen to have children.

Your choice of the word ‘stagnant’ is perfect. Everybody needs something to look forward to and relationships are no different. Your boyfriend is being very unfair to you and you deserve better, so speak up for yourself.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot St, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.