I am a 35-year- old guy and I have only had sex with men all my life. The thing is, I now want to date girls, but the problem is I don’t have any experience when it comes to girls. I don’t even know how to approach them. Also, another thing is that I am only aroused by males, so I just want to know if maybe I need to see a sex therapist and if indeed I can be assisted with my problem. I honestly wish to start a family and have a wife and kids — even one child would be great.
Mary replies: You haven’t given me an awful lot of information about yourself, which is a pity, because in order to advise you as to what to do, I would love to know more about you. So, please bear in mind that what I say may not fit in with your perception of how things are for you, but I’ll try to help you to work toward finding a solution to your problem.
You have only had male sex up until now. Is this because there were no women available to you, or because you are only attracted to men? It is important for you to be very clear about this, because otherwise you risk going down the wrong route and will end up being very unhappy.
I know that, in some cultures, and yours may be one of them, guys have sexual encounters with each other because the girls are strictly chaperoned until they are married, and therefore there are no single girls available to have sex with. This can lead to difficulties, such as the men’s arousal process responding only to an erect penis rather than a woman’s body. This may be the case with you.
However, if you are, in fact, gay, and attracted to men in an emotional and sexual way, then it would be grossly unfair of you to marry a woman purely in order to have a wife and children. You would find yourself longing to be with a man, and may even do so, which would make both you and any potential wife very unhappy.
It is becoming more and more common for gay couples to adopt or have children through a surrogate, so getting married to a woman purely in order to have children would be extremely selfish on your part and damaging to her and perhaps also to any children you may have.
You may be bisexual and attracted to both sexes. However, you haven’t had any experience with women, so it would be difficult for you to know where exactly you are on the continuum of gay, bisexual or heterosexual. So, I suggest that you go to see a therapist, not necessarily a sex therapist, but a psychotherapist or psychologist, who’ll help you discover who you really are.
I can understand, in your situation, the prospect of trying to get to know a female and then date them would be quite daunting. But the main thing you have to remember is that you should be yourself, be interested in them as a person, and try to become friends with them, rather than looking too far ahead and seeing them as a potential life partner.
But, first of all, you have to really know who you are and what you are looking for. I hope that you succeed in achieving this, and I know that you will if you seek help.
You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting dearmary.ie or email her at firstname.lastname@example.org or write c/o 27-32 Talbot St, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately