Dear Mary: It's hard to trust my boyfriend
I have dated my boyfriend for over two years. He previously dated another girl for four years. When we started dating he lied to her about being in a relationship with me - I found this out later.
They continued to talk fairly consistently (even though he knew it upset me) and he would lie to me and deny any feelings for her.
I found messages and proof of phone calls between them on different occasions when I looked at his phone.
They talked about plans to meet up several times but he claims that they never actually did.
As far as I know communication ended several months ago.
We were previously long distance and are now in the same city.
He seems more committed but I have serious doubts.
He says he loves me and wants to be with me but I have a hard time accepting that.
What do I do?
Mary replies: Some people remain friends after they break up, while others never want to speak with their ex ever again. It depends on the reason for the split and the type of personalities involved.
When you started dating your boyfriend he had no idea how things were going to develop between you, and he was quite entitled to speak to his ex whenever he wanted to.
I agree that he shouldn't have denied to her that he was seeing you and can only think that he may have been keeping his options open until he was sure of his feelings for you.
You seem to be forgetting about freedom of choice. If your boyfriend wanted to be with his ex, and she was willing, they could still be together.
But he has chosen to be with you and tells you he loves you, and now that you are living in the same city you can see more of each other.
I wonder if you have had a previous experience where there were trust issues. If so, that may be influencing you with your current boyfriend.
Of course, you also have choices and if your gut is telling you that he is not to be trusted then you will have to go with that.
If you haven't done so already you should stop checking his phone. His phone is his private property and you had no right to be snooping.
How would you feel if he were checking up on you?
You haven't outlined any of the things that you find attractive in your boyfriend but I am presuming there are lots of things, otherwise you wouldn't continue seeing him.
You are never going to get the full package in a potential partner, and a very good question to ask yourself is how you would feel without him in your life?
The answer will solve your dilemma.
You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at firstname.lastname@example.org or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.
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