Friday 17 August 2018

Dear Mary: I'm struggling to forgive boyfriend for having sex with his best friend

(Stock image)
(Stock image)

Mary O’Conor

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years.

 We started arguing and having troubles and instead of talking to me about our problems he confided in a "best friend" who he later had sex with after we broke up. He even told me he felt something for her after they had sex.

He apologised and told me it's me who he wants to be with. So we got back together and tried to give our relationship another go.

I'm finding it so hard to forget the thought of him and her together and that they may actually be well suited to each other.

He has cut all contact with her but only because I told him I won't stick around if he keeps in touch. I'm sure he would have loved to have kept in contact with her.

I'm also heavily pregnant with his baby and quite young.

I want our relationship to work and I know he does too, but I'm still finding what he did hard to get over.

I know what he did was when we were broken up but I still feel so broken-hearted he chose to go off with her when he knew I've always had my doubts.

Mary replies: Even though your realise that your boyfriend was quite free to go with whoever he wanted to as you had broken up, what you are finding difficult is the fact that he has feelings for her.

I have to wonder why he was so honest with you when he must have known that telling you would hurt you.

Your main focus right now must be the new life that you are bringing into the world and wanting to give this baby the best possible chance in life.

As a new mother you will probably find that the baby will be consuming all your waking moments, because it is quite an adjustment to go from only having to take care of yourself to being responsible for a little person who is totally dependent on its parents to survive.

You will also find that your hormones are all over the place and you will feel lots of different emotions - from feeling totally exhilarated to being quite teary.

This is totally normal and will have nothing to do with your worries about your relationship, so try to bear that in mind in the days and weeks after the birth.

Your boyfriend has told you that it is you that he wants to be with, and so he has made his choice.

There is no easy way for you to forget about what happened with the other girl and I understand how difficult it must be for you imagining them both together.

However as time goes by, and you are developing as a family, you will find that there will come a time when you haven't thought about it in a while, and that will be an indication to you that you are beginning to let it go.

Try not to keep on asking him about it because there is no benefit in that, but if at some point you feel it all building up inside you again then tell him that you need a little time to be reassured about it all. Then discuss your doubts and fears and afterwards tell him that you are trying your best to put it out of your head.

I wish you well for your forthcoming baby and I hope you and your partner have many years of happiness together.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting or email her at or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

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