Friday 24 May 2019

Dear Mary: I'm in love with two women - my wife and my mum's best friend

Stock image
Stock image
Dustin Hoffman, Anne Bancroft, in the Graduate 1967.

Mary O’Conor

I am in love with two women, one being my wife of many years and the other being my mother's best friend. Despite the latter, I have remained faithful to my wife.

As a younger man, my mother's best friend, who is single, tried to seduce me, but I did not accept her advances, as I was a virgin at the time and was not expecting it. To this day I regret rejecting her.

Over the years, we have maintained a close bond and on several occasions I have told her that I love her. She is a beautiful woman and is kind and considerate.

My wife is also beautiful and is a strong character and wonderful mother to our kids.

Our sex life is frustrating as we are so busy with work and kids that we rarely get the chance to relax and enjoy time together.

A recent weekend away for my wife and myself was cancelled, due to financial constraints and lack of babysitters.

I have asked my wife on several occasions to wear sexy lingerie, but she declines my requests. Again, it is very frustrating.

I love my wife, but feel that maybe she doesn't love me enough to sustain our marriage.

What do you advise?

Mary replies:  My immediate reaction on reading your email was to wonder if you love your wife enough to sustain your marriage rather than the other way round.

We love lots of people during our lives and in many different ways so it is quite acceptable that you love two women.

However, you seem to be lusting after your mother's best friend which is not acceptable.

Having turned down your very own Mrs Robinson moment (although Mrs Robinson was married in The Graduate) you appear to have spent the intervening years regretting that you did.

So you continue to fantasise about what might have been, safe in the knowledge that you are remaining faithful to your wife, at least in a physical sense.

But is it fair to your wife to be constantly thinking about and admiring this other woman?

A woman who is single and therefore has no ties, is not too tired because of children and perhaps does not even have financial constraints.

She is the perfect woman in some ways and while you continue to draw comparisons between these two beautiful women it is only natural that the fantasy will win every time.

But the reality may be quite different and not at all what you imagine it to be.

So I suggest that you concentrate on your wife, occasionally give her some time on her own while you take care of the kids, buy her a surprise silly present (but not sexy lingerie) and your reward will be a happier, less tired wife who will hopefully be reminded of why she married you in the first place.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting or email her at or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

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