Style Sex & Relationships

Monday 20 May 2019

Dear Mary: I was so lonely after my mother's death that I had an affair with a married man

(Stock image)
(Stock image)

Mary O’Conor

I am a 30-year-old married woman. Last year I lost my mother and I had already lost my dad a long time ago.

My husband is mostly out of the house on official trips.

I started feeling more and more lonely and one day I started going around with a guy who is also married. He met me when his family was on holiday and he was alone. It was quite intense, we used to meet daily.

But after his family got back, he kept in touch by texts only and would never care to meet.

I asked him twice to meet but he came up with some excuse. I was really hurt because I thought we had something.

I told him that as he did not have any place for me in his life and it wasn't working out, we should just be friends. He immediately agreed to it and he never tried once to get back to me.

I do miss him and at times I leave him a generic text but he replies coldly. What should I do?

Mary replies:  I can understand that you were lonely having just lost your mother and with your husband being away so much.

But this relationship with the married man was not the way to go.

He very obviously was just looking for some diversion as he too was on his own and realised the futility of carrying on any sort of affair with you once his family had returned.

You need to discuss with your husband your feelings of loneliness when he is away so much and see if anything can be done about that.

For instance you may be able to occasionally travel with him. You don't mention children and if you are truly all alone while he is frequently away explain that you are finding it very difficult and something needs to change.

You should also try to find things to do that interest you when you are on your own. I don't know enough about you to make suggestions, but there must be some hobby or sport that you have always wished you could do, and now would be the time to try.

You don't mention friends either so perhaps you have let some friendships drop, and now might be a good time to renew them.

But getting somebody to take the place of your husband while you are still married, while it may be exciting, is never a good idea.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting or email her at or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

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