Style Sex & Relationships

Sunday 13 October 2019

Dear Mary: I want to split from my foreign lover

Picture posed
Picture posed

Mary O’Conor

I am currently seeing a girl who is over here for a few months studying. Things were going great, I met her friends and family and had a wonderful time with them.

But, in the past few weeks, I have become unhappy and I have not had the courage to tell her - as it will break her heart.

I'm not attracted to her in a sexual way and hate when she talks about it or wants to do it as it's uncomfortable for me.

My family, however, love her and she has been invited to three family weddings already. She is constantly looking to have sex and can't seem to have fun and relax.

She also can't take a joke and gives out a lot and lately I seem and feel more miserable with her, despite us having very close similarities.

She is a loving, kind-hearted girl who does care about me and vice versa which is nice to see, but other than that I'm not into her at all. What can I do?

Mary replies: It is not fair to either of you to continue this relationship feeling as you do. There was an initial attraction, but it seems to me that the more you get to know her, the less you like her.

The best you can come up with is that she is loving and kind-hearted, which are admirable traits, but you go on to list a lot of things that you don't like about her - so it is no surprise then that you don't fancy her.

The only thing I don't understand is your statement that she constantly wants sex and can't seem to have fun and relax. Surely having sex is both fun and relaxing?

Because she has been a big hit with your family, you feel badly about ending the relationship.

But you and she are the main players in all of this and not your family.There will be other girls in the future whom your family will get to know and probably welcome into the family as well.

You fear breaking her heart, and perhaps you will, but she will recover in time.

It would be far more cruel to string her along, thinking everything was fine and then much later to decide to finish with her.

Yes, it will take courage to look her in the eye - don't even contemplate telling her by phone, email or text - and tell her that it is over. But the alternative is living a lie and giving her false hope.

Once you have told her, you will feel relieved and she will be no longer under the illusion that things are going well.

Then you can both get on with your lives.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting or email her at or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

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