Wednesday 26 June 2019

Dear Mary: I think I'm in love with a workmate

It happens quite often that a gay guy develops a crush on a straight guy but crushes usually pass with time. Photo posed
It happens quite often that a gay guy develops a crush on a straight guy but crushes usually pass with time. Photo posed

Mary O'Conor

I started a new job last year and I absolutely love it. It's going so, so well and everything seems to be falling into place.

There's just one dilemma I've found myself in. I think I'm falling in love with a colleague. What's even more difficult is that I'm a gay male and I believe he is a straight male.

He's lovely, well-mannered, very tolerant and a real gent. It started as a harmless little crush but now I think I'm madly in love with him. In all honesty, I've never felt this way about anyone before... ever.

We are very close friends in work and I feel like he's giving me these signals every so often that would lead me to believe that perhaps this could be more than a friendship.

I don't know if it's harmless flirting or if there is more to it. I'm really very confused and it's eating me up inside. What do I do?

Mary replies: You will have to tread very carefully because you are in a job that you love and you do not want to do anything to jeopardise this. At the same time you want to be open to any possible relationship that may present itself to you.

But always remember that you will still be working there if and when any such relationship is over.

I am presuming that your colleague knows that you are gay because you have probably referenced it at some point. If you haven't then you should tell him, without flirting in any way, just to make things clear. If he is either gay or bi-curious then it is up to him, and not you, to make a move.

However, you believe he is straight so something must have been said to lead you to this conclusion. If he is straight then there is absolutely no point in hoping that he will change and get involved romantically with you.

He is not made like that, just as you are not made to fall in love with a woman.

It happens quite often that a gay guy develops a crush on a straight guy but crushes usually pass with time, especially when there is no chance of them being reciprocated.

So instead of wishing your life away, don't destroy a potentially great friendship by thinking that it can be anything other than that - a wonderful friendship.

He sounds like a really good guy and one that you are no doubt happy to have as a friend. So do everything you can to keep his friendship - and that means not flirting and hoping that he will change, because if he is straight he won't.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

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