Style Sex & Relationships

Monday 20 May 2019

Dear Mary: I still love my girlfriend and just wish we could be together again

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Mary O'Conor

My situation is very complicated, because me and my girlfriend were together for five years but she wasn't sure if she was a lesbian so she ended things with me and got into a relationship with a guy.

I was so devastated for months and then all of a sudden she came back and talked to me about how she missed me and tried so hard to get over me but she couldn't so she came back. We got back together, but I was then in a relationship with another girl and she was really jealous and wanted me to end it with the other girl so I did.

We were serious and we were talking about a future together. But our families are very against same sex relationships so we just kept it low. This was hard because I love her so much but I love my family too and I wasn't ready for them to know yet. So she went back to the guy that she was with before and I agreed that she should be with him to get a Green Card until we are ready to be together.

We still love each other and know that we can't live without each other. However, because we argue almost all of the time she has now told me that she's done with me and she will have to move on and try to love the guy because they got married and I was the one who pushed her to do it. I feel like this is all my mess and I can't even live without her. She has blocked my number and blocked me on social media. I wish I could fix everything and that she would still be here.

Mary replies:  Unfortunately, you can't fix everything but there are some things that you can do. While your ex-girlfriend seems to be quite unsure as to whether she is lesbian or not - it sounds like she is bi-sexual - you are quite sure of your sexuality. You have never deviated from this whereas she has. The only problem you have about being gay is that you feel that your parents will not accept it and I think this is where you will have to start. No matter who you are with - and you will eventually meet somebody else to take this girl's place in your heart - you will want to be able to introduce them to your parents and gain their acceptance.

Apart from those in your LGBT community, I wonder if you have come out to anybody else? If not, then you will have to start with a close friend or a family member whom you feel you can trust.

Eventually, you will have to consider talking to your parents. It may well be that your parents already realise that you are gay. Try to bear in mind that parents, while they may not wish their children to be part of a minority community, will nevertheless want only the best for them if they love them.

Your ex-girlfriend appears to be getting on with her life and has decided that the best way to do this is by cutting contact with you. There is nothing that you can do about this and in time you will come to accept it. You can and have lived without her - you even had a new girlfriend when she left you the first time - and this is what you will have to concentrate on now.

Make new friendships, not necessarily sexual, get on with living your life to the full and in time the pain will lessen until one day it will not be there any more. But be careful not to wish your life away - we only get one shot at it.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting or email her at or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

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