Saturday 18 November 2017

Dear Mary: I love both of my men but I can't choose between them

A reader can't decide between two men
A reader can't decide between two men

Mary O’Conor

I am in love with two men. My relationship with my ex was toxic but he told me recently that he still loves me despite the length of time we have been apart and I still miss him.

I have children with both him and my current partner.

My current partner is great and treats me really well and I love him too. But I just can't help but miss my ex, although I don't want to leave my boyfriend. I want them both and I don't know who to choose.

My ex has settled down with the idea that we're finished and I don't want to hurt my current boyfriend by leaving him for my ex.

Can you please give me some advice on what to do. Can you give me some advice to put my mind at ease and get over my ex. Or help me make the choice to go back to him?

I am so confused. I am struggling to make a decision.

Mary replies:  Unlike some of my readers you are spoiled for choice. You describe your relationship with your ex as toxic whereas you only use loving words to describe your current partner.

It may be that you miss the excitement and even the drama of your previous relationship. It is well recognised that women prefer the 'bad boy' to the one who doesn't create a storm.

You have to ask yourself what would be different if you went back to your ex - would the reason you broke up in the first place be magically erased, or would it be more of the same?

And how would your children feel? One group would be going back to their father, or perhaps they remained with him, whereas the other group would be leaving the only father they have known.

You can't have it all, so why not decide to remain friends with your ex and work on continuing to have a good life with your current partner, who has only done good things in your eyes.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting or email her at or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

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