Monday 26 August 2019

Dear Mary: I keep dreaming about an affair

Photo posed
Photo posed

Mary O’Conor

I am a 45-year-old male and would be considered to be in great shape and health. I am a former powerlifter and now I've started bodybuilding as it's easier on the joints.

I'm married for over ten years and I have a high sex drive.

My wife and I have a young family, all our children are aged under 10. In recent years my wife seems to be turned off sex and never initiates any passion in the bedroom. I'm always the one to put it out there.

Sometimes she agrees but most of the time not. This leaves me angry with the situation and very frustrated.

I find myself thinking what it would be like to have a wife with the same sex drive as me.

I get a good bit of attention from other women but have never strayed. I just don't know how much longer I can go on and find myself thinking about what it would be like to have an affair.

Mary replies:  It would be exciting for sure to have an affair and no doubt very gratifying to feel desired. Sex with somebody new may or may not be thrilling but you have to ask yourself if that is what you really want - sex without an emotional component.

At least at the beginning it would be without emotion, but what if you found yourself becoming involved with this person outside of the sex.

How would you feel then? Are you willing to jeopardise everything you have in order to satisfy yourself sexually?

Several children under 10 - even writing that makes me feel tired having recently spent a few days with one child under four!

Your wife has been looking after her growing family for years so she must be almost permanently tired.

You probably spend a lot of time on your bodybuilding in order to keep in shape but I hope that you have been equally able to help with the children.

It is very rare for both partners to have an equal sex drive and you bear this out. So can you try compromising by telling your wife that you are unhappy with things as they stand, but mostly because you get rejected so often.

Then suggest that once or twice a week you go to bed a bit earlier than usual so that you can have some time for sex and still get to sleep at the normal time.

And don't forget to offer to help her with whatever she needs. It will be deeply appreciated.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting or email her at or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

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