Dear Mary: I hate my wife, but if she agreed to sex once a week I would carry on
I'm in a loveless marriage. Me and my wife of almost 14 years have drifted apart.
From day one I think we were doomed. I'm a couple of years older than her and I met her when she was in university and I was working. We dated for a while but I always had my eyes open for someone better to come along. Even while she was at college I was kind of playing the field.
We split up a few times but ended up married. I've been unfaithful to her a number of times and it all boils down to sex. I love sex but she doesn't. She just lies there. No emotion or no love. She is unaware of my infidelities or so I think. I masturbate to porn almost every day. My wife and I haven't had sex in a long time now. I've tried everything to convince her to get our sex life back on track but to no avail. Am I wrong in seeking sex outside the marriage?
I want her to suffer because I'm suffering. My friends at work have told me to dump her. I've tried getting her to move out but no.
I think we had sex twice in the last year and that was because I practically begged or even forced her into it. We don't speak. We don't communicate. She has her life, I have mine. I have tried to convince her to try to save the marriage but if I'm honest I think I want out more than she does at this stage. But I can't be seen to say it as my family would disown me.
I have a girl I see on occasions. My wife would know her but not as a friend. This girl gets a kick out of the fact that we are lovers and that my wife is unaware. I also slept with this woman when I was younger. We have sex and I give her money, but not for the sex. I just give the money because I feel she needs it. She's not wife material but good for a bit of fun when I need it and she is a willing participant.
I would consider myself a good lover and a kind person. My wife and I have kids together and I think they are the most important part. If I thought they'd be OK then I would leave tomorrow.
I hate my wife - she has tried to control me for years and I can't handle it. There's times I've almost struck her too but held back. She has no money. She has a menial low-paid part-time job which could never support her and the children and she could never make the payments on the house we live in.
What should I do? Should I use what money I have to set up the kids and their mother financially for the future and ensure they will be OK? Or will I pay off my house and fight her for custody?
Am I wrong doing this? I'm still relatively young and I want to be happy in my life. I would hate to think that my wife would benefit financially from me. I bought the house. I pay the mortgage. I paid off the loan for her car. I feel as though I'm paying for everything but getting nothing in return.
Is it wrong for me to expect sex? I don't need love. If I got sex once a week I would be happy enough to carry on. I know it's not perfect but it's OK. Please can you give me a bit of guidance?
I also think I could have married someone nicer. Someone prettier that I'd be happy to be seen with - my wife has slipped a bit over the years. Gained weight and gotten very old looking. I think if I could go back in time that I'd have chosen better. This may sound cruel but it's how I feel. I have plenty of offers from interested women for sex.
A couple of my friends have suggested moving abroad for work and I am considering this too. I can honestly say that if I had sex more often that I'd live as I am for the foreseeable future.
Mary replies: I have had many letters lately from dissatisfied women so I am very glad to be able to print one from the male perspective. However, I had to read your letter over and over again because I couldn't make sense of it, and then I realised that there are a lot of contradictions in it which need to be addressed.
Overall you seem to be very dissatisfied with your wife - you feel you could have done better, she has let herself go over the years, she has no money and a menial job, you even go so far as to say that you hate her. So why on earth would you want to have sex with her - to say nothing of why would she want to have sex with you if she knew all of this?
I do not believe that if you had more sex in your marriage you would be happy. You have plenty of offers from other women for sex and have availed of some of these. This doesn't appear to have made you guilty, and I'm not making any judgment here, but why would you not continue to have sex with other women while keeping your marriage going if sex once a week is all you need?
Your friends' suggestion that you go abroad for work would probably work well for you, but it would not really solve anything as your wife would think she was still married to you while you would be viewing it as an escape.
Ultimately, there would be a showdown because you would probably find somebody else and want to get out of the marriage. You are still young and would have to be thinking long-term.
As I understand it, any money or property you have is owned by you both equally, despite who actually earned the money, so it is not a question of you deciding what to do. If you were to separate, and in time divorce, this would all have to be settled by the courts.
So it is not really a question as to what you would do with your money and your house, but rather what is the best solution for all concerned, particularly the children.
I think separating may well be the path that would be the most honourable and make you the happiest, and in time your family would get used to the idea. However, I can't speak for your wife as I haven't heard her side of the story.
One final point - of course you are paying for sex with the girl with whom you have it. I doubt that you would give her money if you happened to bump into her in the street and had a chat. Half of the money you give her belongs to your wife. I'm sure she would have her own views on the charity you are dispensing.
You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at firstname.lastname@example.org or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.
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