Tuesday 16 January 2018

Dear Mary: I give husband sex from time to time for sake of a quiet life

Our sex life has always been a problem for us -- at the beginning, I was terrified of getting pregnant and so was always fairly tense. Then we got married and had a few children fairly quickly together and so sex was the last thing on my mind.

Now my husband has had the snip, so I'm not worried any more about getting pregnant, but things aren't really great and he is complaining all the time that we don't have a sex life and he doesn't see any point in us being married because, for him, sex is a very big part of his life.

We run a business together and quite honestly, by the time I get home from work and I make dinner and finally get to sit down and watch television, the last thing that I'm thinking of is having sex.

He gets very annoyed and sulky if he doesn't get it regularly, and so I give in from time to time for a quiet life. Sometimes I think I'd be better off on my own.

Mary replies: You haven't really had any good associations with sex right from the beginning. Fear of pregnancy can indeed cause a tense reaction such as you describe, but the problem is then that the body continues to respond in this way, even if the original reason for that tension is no longer there. So the chances are that you still don't have a totally relaxed body when your husband approaches you, whereas he cannot see any problem as it is now some years later and he has even had a vasectomy, which will ensure that you cannot become pregnant.

Another problem is the fact that you work together, so there is every chance that you spend most of your days together, as well as your evenings.

As a result there is no separation of work and play for you -- even your description of your day sounds like it is all work. You are probably surprised that I use the word play in relation to sex, but that is what it should be. Think about the words foreplay and after-play, one building up to the sexual act and the other winding down after it, each involves the word 'play' and they should be equally enjoyable.

At the moment, you and your husband seem to be involved in a battle over sex -- he keeps looking for it and feels entitled to it, whereas you don't want to do it and only have it to keep the peace. There certainly is no element of play in all of this, which cannot be satisfactory for either of you.

It should be possible for you to reach some sort of compromise with your husband, whereby your sex life would become less of a chore and more enjoyable for you both. It would be great if you could look forward to being sexual with him, rather than see it as something that has to be endured.

But for this to happen, you both need to agree that you will start all over again. Then, once a week, plan a night together where you will do your utmost to have a really good experience, and to begin with you should put the emphasis on the foreplay.

In fact, a couple of experiences of only foreplay without progressing any further would help to let you concentrate on the enjoyment element of being sexual.

Talk to each other about what you would like to do, and in your case what you would find the most relaxing. If you know that on that one night you are going to take the time to pleasure each other in whatever way you want, whether it is massage, kissing or simply having a bath together, then some sort of order is restored and that one night a week will become an enjoyable night.

Then on the other nights you are free to do absolutely nothing and get rid of the feeling whereby you are all the time waiting to be asked for sex and he is all the time waiting to be rejected.

Sunday Indo Living

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