Thursday 18 January 2018

Dear Mary: I fancy men but my sexual fantasies are about other women

I am 32 years of age and really concerned about my sexuality. When I was young I used to play a game of pinning my sister down on the bed, it was fun and I was a strong child and had more force than she did. I always remember my mother coming down and catching us. I actually didn't think I was doing anything wrong as I was a child and it was play, but she once referred to us as lesbians. I was too young to know what that meant.

Around 16 or 17 years of age, I started going out in the city with my friend, I would get this urge to kiss a girl -- maybe the one beside me, or any girl really. It happened quite regularly and then it went away.

Last year, I was in a job where I just couldn't stop looking at this girl who worked there. Part of me just really wanted to look like her -- I thought she had a great figure and the kind of face I would love to have had.

I am quite pretty and have been told that I look great but I have quite low self-esteem and self-confidence. I saw an episode of Sex and the City with a naked woman in it and I found it attractive. I stimulate myself very frequently while thinking about women, but it disgusts me.

I do fancy men and want a boyfriend, but I seem to have a sexual attraction to women. There is a guy that I really like but he lives very far away. I've had sex with him and it was all right but I had to fake orgasms as I just couldn't seem to show him what I like.

Being gay/bisexual or whatever it is doesn't sit well with me, my mind is confused but I keep thinking of my childhood and teens and I wonder what I am.

How does one know for sure what their sexuality is if it's only fantasies and I have no desire to do anything physical or be in a relationship with a woman? I actually love the traits and physicality and even the smell of a man. Can you advise me about all this please.

Mary replies:

When people are concerned about their sexuality I ask them two questions. Who do they fancy when they are walking down the street, is it the men or the women? And who would they like to wake up next to and spend the day with?

Your answer to both those questions would most likely be a man, even though you admire and sometimes envy the female body. You don't actually say in your letter if there were any feelings of arousal when playing those games with your sister, but even if there were this is completely normal, as even a young body can respond to physical stimulation.

It is unfortunate that your mother gave you a label, as when you eventually found out what lesbian meant you began to query your own sexuality. You also seem to be confusing fantasy and reality. Even though your fantasies are related to females you don't want to put these fantasies into reality and so therefore they remain just that -- fantasies.

There are a number of books compiled by Nancy Friday which are transcripts of real women's sexual fantasies, and you should read one of them -- I would suggest Women On Top. You will read that lots of women have sexual fantasies regarding other women but are not necessarily lesbian or even bisexual. Of course some of them are, but you will certainly see that you are not on your own and that it is quite usual to have same-sex fantasies.

Regarding your lack of orgasms with the man that you fancy, this is quite a separate issue. Being orgasmic is all about letting go, and as your usual way of having orgasms is through your own stimulation it may be that you were too shy to let him see what you like. This is quite understandable as you need to build up trust with somebody in order to share your secrets.

It's a pity he lives so far away, as you probably don't get to see him very often and therefore will find it difficult to start all over again whenever you meet. Try to remember that you are already orgasmic and you just need to unlock the key to letting go when you are with him.





Submit your letters to Mary anonymously at dearmary.ie.

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