Tuesday 16 January 2018

Dear Mary: I caught fiance flirting and texting with new colleague

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Mary O'Connor

My fiance, who I have been with for 10 years, started a new job. I noticed something out of character so I checked his phone - and found there were texts, pictures and calls most nights while I was working a night shift.

I confronted him and the woman he was texting with and they both said nothing happened but admitted texting and flirting for the past three months. I'm heartbroken as we are due to get married in six months.

I threw him out but after a long hard couple of weeks I took him back. My problem is they still work together so she is still part of our life. I need help as I just can't seem to forgive him.

How do I move forward as he has completely changed and he feels terrible?

Mary replies:  I presume you mean he feels terrible about what has happened and wants to move forward, but you are having difficulty in forgiving him.

You have been together for a long time and are very shortly going to make the final commitment to each other and get married. You have been understandably shaken by what happened and are questioning everything.

What was wrong in his relationship with you that caused him to start flirting with somebody new? Did she know he was engaged to you?

I find it difficult to advise you what to do without hearing his side of the story. But I can only work with what you tell me, and the main stumbling block for you seems to be your inability to forgive. They have both told you that they didn't take things any further than flirting, but what you are finding difficult is that he was emotionally unfaithful to you for no apparent reason.

You cannot go ahead with the planned wedding as things stand right now. Your wedding day should be a day of joy and happiness and not overshadowed by all this doubt.

But there is still time to get things back on track. You tried breaking up and found that is not what you wanted. So take some time to talk things through with him once more. Try to discover if there was anything he was unhappy with between the two of you, and if there was then together try to work out how things can be improved.

Ten years is a long time to be together and perhaps the excitement of somebody new who found him attractive was too hard to resist. I'm not making excuses but rather looking for reasons why he acted as he did. If you feel you are not getting answers by yourselves then you would be well advised to seek some professional help in the form of couples counselling. Even a few sessions with a qualified counsellor who would be unbiased and able to listen to both sides of the story could be of enormous help to you both. When you are quite happy that things feel right between you then go ahead with your plans and enjoy your big day.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

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