Dear Mary: Hurt by husband's party invite snub
We were recently invited to a family friend's 60th birthday party. My husband of 28 years turned to me and said he was attending with his mate. When I asked him if I was not invited, he replied that he was going with his mate - a male who is also a family friend.
I was hurt by this and expressed this to my husband. He wasn't bothered by my feelings and still went to the party with his mate. I'm baffled and extremely hurt.
Mary replies: I don't blame you for being hurt and am at a loss to know why your husband felt the need to exclude you. It is extremely unlikely that it was an all-male party, because he would have told you if it was.
You've been married for quite a long time and so should know each other pretty well by now, and yet you were totally taken aback by this, so I surmise that it was out of character for him to treat you in such a cavalier fashion.
You deserve to have some answers, and also need reassurance that this won't happen again. It would be very demeaning for you to have to ask to be taken to events with him - part of being a couple is that you do things together whenever possible.
It would have been different if this were a work party, or somebody you didn't know, but it was a family friend's party and presumably the friend expected to see you as well as your husband.
Your husband needs to answer some questions.
What does he think about the state of your relationship, is he unhappy with any aspects of it and why did he think it OK not to take your wishes into consideration? Even if the mate that he went with was on his own there was surely no reason why you couldn't have all gone to the party. Do you get on with this mate?
There are so many questions that I would like to ask you but cannot and so I am limited in what I can say to you. But don't give up on this - you deserve answers.
Can I ask please that people writing to me give me as many details as they possibly can, so that I can fully understand their situation. I can always makes letters shorter but I cannot invent things and it is such a help to me to have a full picture of what is going on in people's lives when they write to me for advice.
You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at firstname.lastname@example.org or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.