Friday 19 January 2018

Dear Mary: 'How can I raise the topic of my filthy fetish with this girl?'

Relationship counsellor and psychosexual therapist Mary O'Conor offers relationship advice in her weekly column.
Relationship counsellor and psychosexual therapist Mary O'Conor offers relationship advice in her weekly column.

Mary O'Conor

Dear Mary: I recently met a girl that I connected with straight away - she's lovely, and interested in most of the same things as me. But I don't think she will share in my desire for her to not wash and engage in certain activities, as I have a fetish for body odour and poor personal hygiene.

I have tried to raise the issue but can't. I have left my computer open on pages promoting this sort of interest by "accident" and think she may have seen these links.   That   was two weeks ago and I noticed her legs were hairier than ever before and she didn't shower for three days the last time she came down to visit me.

We are going on a weekend away and I think it might be time to try out a few things and see if she is up for it. I'm not a weirdo, but I hope she doesn't freak out and treat me like one.

Read more: Dear Mary: I wasn't invited to his son's wedding

What should I do? I'm too scared to talk to her about my preferences but need to fulfil my fantasies to be truly happy.

She is a great woman and I can really relax around her, but if this doesn't work out it will be back to ladies of the night and probably the realisation that I just can't get a good Irish country girl to make me happy.

MARY: The subject of fetishes is one that some people have a hard time coming to terms with. I think it is because some of the fetishes that people have are totally abhorrent to others, and they simply cannot get their heads around somebody even liking what they themselves would find repulsive.

Some fetishes are pretty straightforward - for example, lots of guys will get sexually aroused at the thought of a girl wearing high heels while they are having sex. Others can be off-putting to most people - there are probably not all that many who get turned on by the thought of, for instance, licking or drinking blood from a partner's nude body, but such a fetish exists.

Read more: Dear Mary: 'I don't have any way to meet a girlfriend'

The problem with fetishes is when they become an obsession and the fetishist cannot exist without them. In this case, they become pathological, and can very much interfere with the fetishist's ability to have a relationship unless they include the fetish.

It is generally thought that fetishes are due to some early experience associated with sexual arousal or masturbation. A client shared with me at one time how he really liked the old-fashioned knickers on women, and how difficult it was to ever find them nowadays. We were able to trace this back to one of his very first love objects which was the matron in his boarding school where he was sent at a young age, and he had caught a glimpse of her underwear at some point and then went on to use this in fantasy.

I think the nationality of a girl is immaterial, as you will probably find it difficult in any country to meet somebody who shares your interest in body odours etc.

With regard to the particular girl you write to me about, you will have to be very circumspect. To begin with, you should raise the subject of fetishes in general at a time when you are not in any sort of a sexual situation, and try to gauge her attitude from her response.

Read more: Dear Mary: 'It's been 12 months since I last had sex with my husband'

If you continue to see each other you are eventually going to have to speak with her about this and perhaps she is indeed acting on what she saw on the computer, but I don't think you should take this for granted. It may just have been a coincidence, or something as simple as the fact that she doesn't like your shower.

I did not include some of your more explicit desires in this piece because they would offend many of our readers and I have no wish to do that. You should exercise the same caution when talking to her.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

Sunday Independent

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