Tuesday 14 August 2018

Dear Mary: He has lied to me and about me, should I have him back?

Dear Mary: My boyfriend's ex thinks I 'stole' him from her
Dear Mary: My boyfriend's ex thinks I 'stole' him from her

Mary O’Conor

I have recently separated from my partner of four years. We have a one-year-old together. I met my partner online and we hit it off straight away.

After about two years together he told me a friend of his had asked him to go to a wedding with her.

I told him I didn't feel comfortable with this because it wasn't appropriate when he was in a committed relationship. He shouted at me and told me I was being stupid.

He never returned home the night of the wedding. I was really distraught because of this but when he eventually got in contact with me he told me nothing happened. I couldn't prove it so I left it.

Last year when my child was only a few weeks old I got a private message on Facebook from a woman I didn't know. She sent me a screen shot of a conversation he was having with her about him being with another girl. I confronted him and he totally denied it.

At this stage I was struggling after the birth of my child so I just left it at that.

Then a few weeks ago I found out he'd been messaging a girl telling her that the relationship was over with me, that I suffer from depression and he felt the girl he was messaging would make him happy. I also found him on several dating websites.

Again I confronted him and he has denied everything despite me showing him the evidence.

I'm just torn at the moment. He's saying he wants me back but how can I trust him?

He has put terrible posts about me online calling me a junkie because I'm on antidepressants.

Why do I still love him after everything he has done? He has always put himself and his friends first before me and our child. I just don't know what to do any more.

Mary replies

You have been extraordinarily patient with this man and more than a little naive. The first warning bells should have sounded when he shouted at you and called you stupid because you told him how you felt regarding him attending a wedding with another woman.

There followed a number of times when you had proof that he was either lying to you or lying about you. This is totally unacceptable behaviour and is very far removed from what a loving relationship should be.

You ask why you still love him. Perhaps you don't actually love him but you are afraid of being on your own, particularly as you have a child together.

You could certainly never trust him again after all that he has said and done and you are far better off without him.

Try to be strong - it is far better to believe in yourself and to do what is best for you and your child. The alternative - if you were to take the very unwise step of getting back together with him - is that you would continue to worry and continue to mistrust him.

He had a number of chances with you and let you down each time, and I don't see any reason why you should take him back for more of the same treatment from him.

I realise that it can be extremely difficult being a single parent and no longer one half of a couple.

But you will find that as time goes by it will get easier and the benefits of not worrying about being lied to will outweigh the loneliness.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

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