Friday 20 July 2018

Dear Mary: After four years of waiting, do you think I would be best leaving him?

(Stock image)
(Stock image)

Mary O’Conor

I'm with my boyfriend four years now.

We are both in our early 30s. When we are together, we get on really, really well. We have a relationship unlike a lot of other couples. We have a lot of fun and can't keep our hands off each other.

We have spoken a lot about our future together over the years. However, we live over one and a half hours apart which is very tough.

He has a house that he is renovating and doesn't seem to be in any hurry to get it done, or for me to move in with him, even with all the talk of the future.

With the distance between us, we don't see each other that often, once a week at best. He seems to be dodging the conversation of moving in together lately and talking about a few years' time.

I'm getting the feeling that he is happy with us seeing each other just once a week or so.

Am I wasting my time with him? I feel I would be better off single than holding on for a few more years, travelling up and down to someone who doesn't seem to want to take the next step.

Mary replies:  From your point of view, this must be a very unsatisfactory relationship in a lot of ways even though you get on very well and have an obvious physical attraction to each other.

Four years is a long time to be together, even if it is only once a week, and by now you should have some sort of idea as to where the relationship is going, but you don't appear to have that.

I agree that you would be better off as a single woman, and therefore available for other relationships, if things were to remain the same.

Your boyfriend is obviously happy with how things are, otherwise, he would be moving things forward.

He may be so tied up in the house renovations that he just doesn't think about your relationship. Or he may be having second thoughts about moving in together - only he knows what is going on in his head.

But you need and deserve some clarification at this stage and so you should have a conversation with him as to what plans he has for the two of you, if any.

It certainly isn't what you would wish for - it would be much more satisfactory if he were to initiate the conversation, but he hasn't, so it is up to you.

Once again, the fact that a woman has a biological clock and a man doesn't comes to the fore.

As a result, you would like to see some definite plans for the future. You will have to ask this fairly diplomatically as you don't want to appear that you are putting a gun to his head and making him decide if his plans include you or not, but you should be clear that you are no longer happy to continue with seeing him just once a week.

Have you been on holidays together? If not, then it is time that you did so that you can have some extended time together and bring some reality to the relationship. If you have holidayed together, then use this as an opening to the conversation by saying that you are feeling a bit taken for granted and would like some more time together like you had when you were on holidays.

Something will have to happen to move things forward, and you will have to be the one to do it.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

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