Sunday 18 March 2018

Dear Mary: A sad, married colleague keeps pestering me for sex - what should I do?

Dear Mary: A sad, married colleague keeps pestering me for sex - what should I do?
Dear Mary: A sad, married colleague keeps pestering me for sex - what should I do?
Stock image
Illustration: Tom Halliday

Mary O'Connor

Why do straight married men get bisexual crises in midlife?

I worked with a guy who has been married for years and has adult children and a nice wife.

He started getting hands on with me at work and I told him it wasn't on. That seemed fine and then I moved to another town but with the same company. He contacted me on social media initially about a work issue. Then he started getting personal.

He was saying how sad he was and that he wanted to meet up. I'm not sure if I'm more disturbed at the idea of a 50-year-old man trapped in a loveless marriage or thinking of him when he gets home trying it on with everybody that he sees online.

Mary replies: I'm sorry that you had to experience what you did. Unwanted advances are never pleasant, but given the circumstances of this happening at work and him being married must have been particularly awkward for you.

I am assuming that you are gay, because I don't think he would have tried it on if you were not. A gay friend once remarked to me that some people assume that gays want sex with anybody who is willing to have it with them, whereas the vast majority have to feel attracted to the other person in the exact same way that heterosexuals do. I realise that there is a lot of casual sex in the gay male community, but the same can be said for the heterosexual community as well.

So perhaps he thought that by coming on to you he would get what he wanted - but he was totally out of order.

The image you portray of this man trying to hook up with other males online while being married with children serves to remind us all of the dangers of relying solely on the internet as a means of meeting people. There are, of course, some wonderful stories of people hitting it off and being really happy together having originally met online. But there are also those who have been misled or lied to.

This man may not necessarily be in a loveless marriage - he may just be bi-curious or may indeed be bi-sexual.

His wife may have some clue as to what is going on and may have chosen to ignore it, or she may be totally ignorant of this side of his life. It is unlikely that she condones what he is doing, but we don't know for sure.

I hope that by now he has realised that it is useless to try to keep suggesting that you meet. If, however, he continues to proposition you any time you happen to be speaking in connection with work I suggest that you be perfectly blunt and tell him what you really think.

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