Monday 11 December 2017

Brian Kennedy advises

Brian Kennedy

Dear Brian

I recently started seeing this guy and I really like him a lot. He feels the same way; we spend every weekend together -- Friday, Saturday and Sunday -- and at least two nights during the week.

We both work in Dublin but, for financial reasons, I have moved back home to live with my parents in Kildare, so I stay with him in his apartment in the city centre, which he shares with his best friend.

I used to get on well with his pal; we all used to go out for drinks after work on a Friday and to gigs together, but in the past few months he has really become rather cold.

He goes into his room whenever we come into the house and passes caustic remarks about things like how we hog the TV and drink all the milk.

He has a girlfriend too and she stays over at the weekends, so I don't see how he has such a problem with me being there.

My boyfriend says he has to stay in the apartment for the next nine months because they just signed a lease three months ago.

Even if he did move out, we are only in our late 20s and neither of us are really ready to settle down and move in together.

I think his friend is definitely annoyed at the fact that I am there so much, but my boyfriend pays half the rent.

I don't know what to do. Should I talk to the roommate about it? I have said it to my boyfriend but he says I am imagining things and to let it go.

Any advice?

Brian advises:

Well, Problem Girl, you do seem to be in a bit of pickle. However, I have a few theories on this one, which I know might seem a bit far-fetched at first but I hope just might actually make some sense. Read on.

The first one might not seem obvious to the innocent eye, but I'm reading between the lines here and getting a very strong feeling: is it my imagination or have we stumbled on a 'Brokeback Mountain' situation?

Your so-called boyfriend and his "friend" share a flat and everything is hunky dory, until you show up and start going to gigs with them and drinking and generally becoming a third -- albeit sweet-smelling, feminine -- leg.

Initially that all seems fine on the surface, until you take it a step too far and start staying over at their place. Now, I'm also guessing that your boyfriend is over-compensating for his same-sex feelings in the bedroom gymnastic department, and poor old roomie has to endure the soundtrack of what sounds more like stag-rutting season on some nature programme coming through those ever-so-thin walls.

This, of course, causes the flatmate stress, leading to insomnia and resentment which, in turn, transforms him into a cranky, resentful fecker. To make matters worse, it seems the flatmate even went as far as trying to have a "girlfriend" of his own too, but that doesn't seem to have made him any happier, or to have troubled his -- sorry, YOUR -- boyfriend too much.

I also need you to clear something up for me, when you say he thinks you both hog the TV: I assume you mean television and not transvestite? It's a modern world after all, but it all seems to be getting a bit overcrowded if you ask me, and your increasingly troubled triangle is moments away from a Jeremy Kyle mid-morning appearance to sort it all out publicly. Have you seen your BF's flatmate's mystery GF?

The next theory, which turns everything I just said on its head, is that your boyfriend's flatmate is not light on the loafers at all, but is in fact hopelessly and utterly consumed with jealousy, because he is, in fact, 100pc in love with you to the point of obsession.

Yes, I know that might be hard to accept, but it reminds me of kids in a playground where the boy is rude to the girl he actually fancies and even goes as far as punching her or tripping her up, just to get her attention.

I don't want to unnerve you, but have you ever been in his room? I wouldn't be surprised if, behind those big, heavy wardrobe doors, there is a kind of homemade altar or shrine made up of stolen photos of you and strands of your hair that he painstakingly prized from the shower plughole with YOUR tweezers. He probably has a few items of your forgotten clothes, too, that mysteriously vanished one drunken weekend.

If none of this brings you any clarity or peace, then to my mind there's only one other possible explanation left. Be honest now, Problem Girl: are you actually a plotting, attention-seeking minx and sleeping with both these gullible guys on rotation and toying with their affections?

Are you trying to get your actual boyfriend to turn against his roommate and challenge him to an old-fashioned duel to the death? Are you acting out a deep childhood trauma by attempting to punish your daddy for loving his son -- your annoying younger brother -- and not YOU enough?

While I'm on that subject, where are your poor parents in all of this? No doubt worried sick in Naas with the drone of the dual carriageway in their ears. In this day and age, it seems anything is possible. Hope this clears everything up. If not, take a deep breath and order another cosmo.

Irish Independent

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