Asking for a friend: ‘When I masturbate, I think about the dirtiest things, but sex with my husband is mundane and he won’t talk about it’

Lack of confidence can inhibit us from telling our partners what we would really like to try

Dr Caroline West

May 15 2021 02:00 AM

Q: I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years now and there’s a bit of a conflict between what I think about sex when I’m on my own, and the kind of sex I have with him. It’s a world apart, and it’s making me frustrated with how our sex life is going. When I masturbate, I think about the dirtiest things — and I mean dirty — to get me off. I’m happy with this as I feel satisfied. But when it comes to having sex with my husband, I find that quite often I think about different things. Mundane things like bills, the kids, or what are we having for dinner tomorrow — I can think of anything but not what I should be enjoying at that moment. I can’t focus on the moment. My husband won’t listen to anything I say about sex and it’s almost perfunctory. I feel like it’s like going through the motions, like mowing the lawn. Can you help, please? I don’t know how to approach this, and what impact this will end up having on my relationship.

Dr West replies: Those early heady days of getting to know someone are often lustful and full of passionate sex, and then transform into a deeper emotional intimacy and sense of love. The wild days start giving way to conversations about who picks the kids up and why the laundry isn’t done. This is where a sense of boredom can set in, with a longing for the wilder side of life that isn’t tinged with the reality of childcare and making dinner every night. However, our minds remain free to get up to all manner of delights when we explore by ourselves, and that’s normally a healthy thing.

Firstly, it’s great that you have a healthy relationship with self-pleasure. It’s not just for single people and has a ton of mental and physical health benefits. A space to explore your fantasies is a great thing and can help your solo and partnered sexual experiences. However, it is worth remembering that fantasies and desire can be complicated things. We can get aroused by things we may never want to do in real life, or activities that would not even be possible to achieve. The nature of something being taboo means that we can be drawn to exploring it, and as it is just in our heads, there’s no one else there to judge us. When Nancy Friday published her groundbreaking book of women sharing their fantasies in 1973 (My Secret Garden), there was worldwide shock that women were fantasising about rape, BDSM, and breaking beds through passionate sex. It showed the world that yes, women do enjoy a range of sexual fantasies and aren’t just passive, delicate creatures.

However, what is in our heads doesn’t often line up with our reality, and our lack of confidence in sexual communication, or fear of being judged, can inhibit us from telling our partners what we would really like to try.

The kind of sex you are having sounds exactly like the kind of sex most long-term couples often have — maintenance sex. This is sex that we feel we should probably have just to maintain some level of intimacy and relief of sexual frustration; sex that goes through the motions and rarely brings true satisfaction and emotional connection. It will lead to a feeling of drifting apart, so the sexual spark has to be nurtured and brought back to life.

There is no blame in coming to a sexual impasse — this is normal, and sex takes work to be kept alive in a relationship. We are not born with natural skills in this area, so mutual effort is required. Talk to your husband. He may be experiencing the same thing and may be just as frustrated and bored as you — although that is no excuse for him to not listen to you attempting to talk about it. Sit down with each other outside the bedroom and address the elephant in the room. Use calm language and try not to blame each other. Tell him how you feel and offer some positive solutions.

Can you arrange a post-lockdown trip away where you can share some of your fantasies without worrying about childcare or dinner? Make it a fun weekend and buy some new lingerie, toys, adult films, and whatever else you want to try out. The change of scenery away from the world of laundry and dishes will help you get out of your routine and get that spark back.

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There are tons of great, modern sex guides now that are a world away from The Joy of Sex. Try Sex Ed for Adults by Ruby Rare; She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring Women by Ian Kerner; or Doing it! by Hannah Witton. You might learn new things, and leaving them out for your partner to read means that he may be more confident in speaking up about sex and trying out new activities. Ask your partner to pick a page to try out and take turns with each person’s suggestions. Role playing can also help you tap into your fantasies and take you away from regular life.

You don’t have to share all your fantasies if you don’t want to; some can be saved as pleasurable experiences just for yourself, but you could try downloading a kink/fantasy checklist and have both of you tick what you would like to try. This can open a pathway to conversation and can be done together or separately. This moment can be viewed as a relationship check-in and an opportunity to rediscover the sex life that you once shared and enjoyed. There is no need to give up all hope, or your own self-pleasure, as this is fixable once both parties put in the work to reignite that spark. The embers just need a little stoking — pun very much intended.

Dr West is a sex educator and host of the Glow West podcast, which focuses on sex. Send your questions to drwestanswersyourquestions@independent.ie. Dr West regrets she cannot answer questions privately