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Asking for a friend: ‘My partner wants us to explore our sexual fantasies but I don’t really like porn. How can I be more open with him about what I want?’

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'By exploring what does work for you, you will also find what doesn’t work'

'By exploring what does work for you, you will also find what doesn’t work'

'By exploring what does work for you, you will also find what doesn’t work'

My partner said that they were interested in exploring our fantasies together. We have explored a little bit, but I am unsure of how to figure out both talking to him about this and making it all a reality. I’m not used to being very open about this kind of stuff, which has caused issues in past relationships. My current partner has a little bit more experience than I do, and seems to be more confident than I am. I’m used to going along with what my partners want, and it’s usually been okay. I want our relationship to grow and I like this guy a lot, so I am looking forward to doing this. I am just not sure where to start. I don’t really like porn and don’t know how I would feel if he suggested watching it together. I know other people seem to like that, but I haven’t really seen a lot of porn that I like. Do you think this is something I can become more comfortable with?

Dr West replies: Fantasies can differ in reality to what is in our heads, and what we think about may not be what we would ever want to do in reality. We don’t have to understand why we like what we like, and if they don’t result in real-world harm, fantasies can be a good way to think about what we really want from our intimacy. We don’t have to share every sexual thought that has crossed our minds, but this could be an opportunity to find new shared interests and maximise your sexual pleasure.


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