Asking for a friend: ‘I’ve always identified as straight but I had sex with another man I met on a dating app and I enjoyed it. What does this mean?’

'Give yourself permission to explore, and remember that it’s okay to be confused'

Caroline West

May 21 2022 02:30 AM

Q: I’ve always identified as a straight man, but I’ve recently been on dating apps where I have been contacted a lot by other men who say they are straight but are offering sex or oral sex. These are straight dating apps. At first, I felt really confused, as they said they were straight, and on my profile I said I was looking to meet women only. They said they were straight too but kept offering oral sex. One day, I decided to go for it as I felt curious and wondered what the big deal was. It felt kind of weird, but I actually enjoyed it at the time. Since then, I’ve been trying to figure out what this means. I don’t think I’m gay, and I don’t want to settle down with a man, but I want to explore this side of me too. I know some gay people in real life but I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to be like them or thought about sex with men. Does this mean that I am gay now, or that I haven’t really been straight all this time? I’m finding this all very confusing.

Dr West replies: When we scratch below the surface, I think experiences like yours are far more common than people confess to. Sexuality can be fluid, as we grow and change throughout life. This is exciting for some and confusing for others. This fluidity can be an opportunity to explore, but when we grow up in a society that judges other people’s sexuality — even making it illegal in many places — it can be hard to navigate this, and poor sex education doesn’t help either. We don’t fit into neat categories for many things in life, yet we often view sexuality as stable and unchanging over our lifetimes, with the end result being confusion and missed opportunities to be who we really are.

There is a great book on this topic that you might find interesting from Tony Silva called Still Straight, which is a study of men in America who would say they are straight but have sex with men. Tony states that there are many people who have sex with men but identify as straight “primarily because they are deeply embedded in institutions, communities and networks that expect and reward male heterosexuality and masculinity”. He calls this “straight culture” and suggests that they refuse these labels not because they hate gay or bisexual men, but because they identified most of their life as heterosexual in appearance. They also wished to stay married to a woman, and mostly had sex with women, only exploring sex with men at a later age in life. Interestingly, some also felt that infidelity with a man was not cheating on their wives, whereas infidelity with a woman would definitely be considered cheating. Some felt it was no big deal; some enjoyed the thrill of having a secret sex life. This “sexual flexibility”, as Tony calls it, would be more talked about in society if these constraints and stigmas weren’t present. It’s a fascinating book, and well worth a read to explore these experiences. It shows that the labels we give ourselves can be complicated and messy — and that is okay too. Not everything has to stay exactly the same throughout our lives, and sexuality is very changeable for many people.

Labels can be helpful or a hindrance. Stigma is still strong about being LGBT+ in some places, so many people do not want to adopt a label other than straight (or there may be many other reasons). This is part of the reason that many sexual health services for men will use language such as “gay, bisexual and men who have sex with men”, as just saying gay or bi may exclude those who do not identify with those labels. You might also see this abbreviated to MSM. Labels can assist us with navigating our society, but they can also constrain us if we feel we don’t perfectly fit the definition and while new language is often developed frequently, it doesn’t help if the sources we read are judgmental or ill-informed about the spectrum that sexuality can encompass. It’s also not mandatory to have to pick a label at all, and some people who refuse to categorise their sexuality find that the lack of labels can be liberating.

Do these experiences have to mean anything? Not really, unless you want them to. You can explore this side of you, or leave it in the past, and it won’t have any bearing on future relationships or how you see yourself. Give yourself permission to explore, and remember that it’s okay to be confused. No decisions have to be made, especially right now.

The only essential thing to bear in mind is to get regular STI check-ups, which goes for all sexually active people regardless of gender or sexuality. Think about what you are interested in trying out, and explore what consent looks like for you and how you will communicate this. Spunout.ie has a good guide to busting some myths about what sex looks like between men, and you can find it here: spunout.ie/sex-relationships/sexual-health/gay-sex-myths.

You’re exploring what pleasure looks like for you. In a sense, you have made a great leap forward in understanding your sexuality since you took this step and opened up a new world of options. You don’t have to have all the answers now, but you can enjoy the process of the journey that you are on. Maybe you might never pick a label and stick to it, but it doesn’t matter really — once you are finding yourself having the kind of pleasurable, consensual, sexual encounters on your terms, then that is all that really matters. You don’t need to conform to anyone else’s idea of what sex or sexuality means, so take that liberation and find what works for you.

Dr West is a sex educator and host of the Glow West podcast, which focuses on sex. Send your questions to drwestanswersyourquestions@independent.ie. Dr West regrets she cannot answer questions privately

Asking for a friend: ‘I’ve always identified as straight but I had sex with another man I met on a dating app and I enjoyed it. What does this mean?’

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