Asking for a friend: ‘I’m single seven years and I’m not interested in sex anymore. Should I even bother trying to meet someone?’

'There’s no rule that says you have to have sex in a relationship. Plenty of people don’t.' Stock photo

Caroline West

February 25 2023 02:30 AM

A reader writes in with a question for Dr West:

Q: I’ve been single for almost seven years now. Sometimes I think I should try to meet someone, but then I never quite find myself doing much about it.

I’m used to my own company, but sometimes I think it would be nice to have some company. I have my own house and don’t think I want to live with someone, but it would be nice to find someone to go to special occasions with or spend quality time with.

I am not sure how I feel about physical intimacy again, however. It’s never been of high importance to me, and if I’m being very truthful, I haven’t really missed it.

I don’t know what to do if I do find someone and they want to be intimate. I think this might be why I don’t really take any steps toward meeting anyone. I’m not much of a pub-goer either and I feel a bit strange using dating apps.

Is it even worth trying to figure out how to meet someone or is it better to make peace with being single for the rest of my life?

Dr West replies: Being comfortable being single is one of the best personal strengths. Being uncomfortably single can look like staying single because of a fear of being vulnerable with another person.

This is a legitimate fear — recovering from heartbreak, abuse or trauma can be difficult and it is natural to want to protect ourselves from harm. However, this fear can be unhealthy and keep us from experiencing joy in a healthy relationship.

It can be hard to admit this to ourselves, but if the thought of being intimate with someone brings a sense of unease rather than anticipation, perhaps sex therapy will help you work through any blocks.

Being comfortably single doesn’t mean never being lonely, but that you have learnt to find contentment in other areas of your life.

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Sex drives do naturally ebb and flow over the course of our lifetime. Some people find that, as they get older and move into different stages of life, sex becomes less of a priority. Others find that the confidence that often comes with age translates into a higher-quality sex drive.

The rapid rise of STIs in people over 50 shows that this age group are enjoying themselves exploring new partners. I would advise everyone to practise safe sex — just because pregnancy is off the table, doesn’t mean STIs are too. Menopause can also impact libido, which can be helped by medication.

Never having our needs satisfied can lead to resentment, whether it’s to have lots of sex or none

Our general health can impact our sex drive too. If our diet is poor, it can impact how we feel about our body and we can avoid intimacy. A diet lacking in nutrients can also lead to lower energy, so sex doesn’t feel like an achievable goal.

Mental health can play a role too. If we are exhausted dealing with anxiety and depression, our sex drive can take a nosedive. If this resonates, a chat with your GP can be the first step on the road back to better health, physically, mentally and sexually.

If sex has never been all that important to you, it might be worth reflecting on how sexuality is a spectrum. Some people find they are asexual — not usually interested in sex, but this is, in itself, an umbrella term for a spectrum of asexuality.

Others find that the label of ‘demisexual’ speaks to them. Demisexuals need to feel a strong emotional connection with someone before having sex with them, so are less likely to enjoy activities such as one-night stands or casual sex.

Greysexuals will find they need a strong connection too, but sex still remains a lower priority in a relationship.

Labels can be helpful to navigate our way to educational resources to help us understand what feels like authentic sexuality to us.

There’s no rule that says you have to have sex in a relationship either. Plenty of people don’t, for a variety of reasons from choice to ill health. They find other ways to be intimate on an emotional and physical level.

Think of long-distance relationships — the physical sex may be rare, but the intimacy is maintained through conscious efforts to connect with each other on a daily basis.

The issue arises when both parties are mismatched in their sex drives. In that case, it can be a deal-breaker for some, and that is okay. Never having our needs satisfied can lead to resentment, whether it’s to have lots of sex or none.

Dating apps can seem overwhelming, but there are steps to make it a more comfortable experience. Take some up-to-date photos showing you smiling and maybe engaging in one of your hobbies. You don’t have to write an essay, but a couple of short paragraphs describing yourself and what type of relationship you are looking for will help give others a better idea of who you are.

If you find yourself chatting to someone you like, arrange to meet for a coffee within a week. Leaving it longer means that it can fizzle out, so meeting sooner rather than later allows you to see if that online chemistry translates into real life. Meeting for a coffee means a low-pressure chat. Then you can decide if you want to go on a longer date if you click.

Never meet for the first time in your house, as you don’t really know the person yet, so a public place helps you keep some safety boundaries. You don’t have to go to the pub either — explore an exhibition together, try out a new cafe, or meet in a bookstore to browse.

Go at your own pace here. If it feels uncomfortable, listen to your gut instinct and think about why it feels uncomfortable. It might be something you can overcome with support and compassion; it might be because, deep down, you prefer your own company. Either way, consciously working on this will bring you joy, however you define it.

Dr West is a sex educator and host of the Glow West podcast, which focuses on sex. Send your questions to drwestanswersyourquestions@independent.ie. Dr West regrets she cannot answer questions privately