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Asking for a friend: ‘Abusive relationships have ruined my self-esteem – how do I learn to love myself again?’

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'We don’t have to be perfect in order for someone to love us'

'We don’t have to be perfect in order for someone to love us'

'We don’t have to be perfect in order for someone to love us'

I’ve been single for almost two years, and it’s mostly okay, but I would love to be in a relationship again. The issue is, my self-esteem is so low. I had a couple of abusive relationships that really just destroyed my confidence. I let myself go and struggled with depression. I’ve lost some friends and I don’t really know where to begin with dating. I’ve tried dating apps, but it hasn’t really worked so far. I either chicken out of meeting someone or pick guys that seem nice online, but we don’t click in real life. Sometimes I’ve gone home in tears after another waste of a date. I feel like I’m going to end up single forever, and I feel stuck in a loop of blaming myself for getting into bad situations and not being able to feel like I love myself. Where do I even start to try to break this cycle and actually care about myself so someone else can love me too?

Dr West replies: What you are describing is extremely common for those who have been through difficult situations such as abusive relationships. It’s not you, it’s the impact of trauma. It’s extremely difficult to keep up self-care and manage our day-to-day when we are trying to recover from trauma — it can take all our mental and physical energy, leaving not much room for non-essentials. Those non-essentials can ironically make us feel better, but since we don’t have the capacity to indulge, we end up feeling guilty for not looking after ourselves. Bingo — a vicious circle is established. A GP is a great first point of contact to see if there is medical help available for mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.


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